Dec.25th--The Mass of Christ

Thanks be to God for He as given us the Christ. You give us such wonderous gifts each day. Thank you my God and my King for all you do. Thank you for the gift of Your Son and for the Gift of Your Holy Spirit and for the gift of Mary and all the saints.
Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for my job and my co-workers. Thank you, God for the gift of time and help me to use my time more wisely and for you.
I love you.

3rd saturday of advent--hanging in

Almost there. Almost at the day when the Light has come into the world. Forgive me for not preparing my heart better to receive you.

3rd Friday of Advent--Disappointment

Even though this picture was taken last Sunday, the amount of snow has not diminished. In fact, we got another 9 to 10 inches on Wednesday, so we will definitely be having a white Christmas.
I got word tonight that the kids definitely will not make it for the holiday. My daughter and her family will be here, but my son and his family will not.
I am thankful that one of my children can be here, of course and relieved that my son's family will not be at risk out on roads that are treacherous at best, but my disappointment at not having the little kids here is acute.
My husband and I had a huge fight tonight when I got home. I was angry because he was drunk by 4:30 when I called. I did everything they say you shouldn't do beginning with the first thing...never argue with a drunk. We both said things I know we don't mean but I really have a hard time with his drunkeness.
How do I find Christ in all of this? Where is he to be found in disappointment and drunkeness? I know you must be here with me in all of this. It is just so hard to focus in on you. I feel like you must be there.....through the fog as in some of the other pictures taken this week, but right now it is so difficult to find you.
I also didn't make the store Christmas party for the first time in many years. It was always so special to me and I used to try to make it even at the expense of my family. But this year, it didn't seem important at all while family matters were of the utmost extreme importance.
Truth be told, I am not prepared for comany this weekend anyway. I have so much to do that I didn't get done and now that they aren't coming anyway, I have just quit working on these things and will try again tomorrow.

3rd Thursday of Advent--Disappointment

I know this is not what you want from me-- a blind stumbling to you for a draft version with the date on it, but it's all I am managing to get to you right now. I hope to be able to do more at some other time.
I have not been doing as I think I should be doing and that I know is cause for disappointment. I wonder if your disappointment in me and mine in my husband are somehow related?? It sure seems that when I try to do better and work and struggle with my own faults and failings that his seem less important to me.

3rd Wednesday of Advent--Snow time

Snow snow and more snow. The region is shut down because of a huge blizzard. The kids may not be able to get here and that disappoints me. I know it is silly for them to hazard their lives by coming and it is that dangerous out there. As my husband has said, it's not that he thinks our son is a danger, but there is no controlling what other people may do and how they react to less than ideal driving circumstances.
But, I am disappointed. I had so wanted to share this Christmas with them. I don't know when we will be able to get together and that is not like Christmas at all.
This is the same picture I used a couple of days ago, but cropped. Looking closely through the fog, you can see geese sitting on the ice.

2rd Tuesday of Advent--Crunch time

I am trying to be joyful, indeed have been joyful for the past two days. My husband is beginning to fall again. He quits drinking for a couple of weeks and then starts to drink every day. Every day he drinks more and more. He works hard and he does so much that I wonder why he feels he has to become a different person by drinking, drinking and more drinking.
It saddens me so.

3rd Monday of Advent--Lattice work

This morning dawned so cold it was crisp when you breathed. I tried to capture the coldness of it and the crispness of it in this photo which reminded me at once of the lattice work of God. It was one of those moments when I knew that the Lord had been telling me to take the photo and also what to name it. The frost is thick on these branches providing a mosaic of coldness that is nearly palpable.
I did feel joyful this morning. It was wonderful news to me to hear that my son and his family will be able to make it for Christmas.I am thrilled and hope to give them true gifts of love while they are here. That is my prayer, Lord and my hope.

Joy Sunday of Advent

This is the third Sunday of Advent--the joy Sunday. Be joyful is the command today, for the Lord draweth nigh.
It continued to snow today and we have over a foot, at least 18" laying on the ground.
I spent the day watching the Lord of the Rings series....I don't know why when I had so much to do. It was as if the Lord said, "Take the day off..." and I guess I did.
I haven't yet felt the joy that I should be feeling and I am hoping it will come. I also hope I don't feel the terrible desolation I have felt Christmases past when I was sorely disappointed. I was focused on the wrong things and got laid flat by the disappointment. But I am hoping this year I will find joy in the season and be uplifted by a better attitude.

2nd Saturday of Advent--Blessing our enemies

Snow today and much shopping. I went to confession but forgot to ask what to do when my prayers for blessing are answered and I get angry about that.
And then I read the answer in my prayer books. The answer is that we can pour out material blessings on all, but the blessings of our love and understanding are poured out as God wills. The material blessings granted to those for whom we pray are like it raining on just and unjust. Those things are not worth the fretting it has caused.
The real secret to holiness is to want to pour out spiritual blessings on those we will. Being able to will that is indeed a victory over the enemies of envy and jealousy.

2nd Friday of Advent--Angel wings

My husband went with me tonight to see the movie, "The Nativity." I liked it very much and he didn't mind it. It brings to life the story of my Lord and why we are celebrating this season. I have so much to do to prepare but many of my preparations seem so worldly. I must try to focus on the reason for the season as the popular saying goes and prepare for the Lord's coming... in my heart and mind and soul.

I picked this image to include with this day's writings because it reminded me of an angel--wings spread and watching over me and my husband as we enjoyed the spring day last year. It was a delightful day and we had gone to a high mountain reservoir so he could do some fishing. While he was fishing, I was photographing things around us and this one picture didn't seem to stand out then, but it did today when I was looking for a photo to include with this day's writings. Thank you, Lord, for that day and also for this day. May I try to accomplish what you would have me do.

2nd Thursday of Advent--Struggleing

This day I must really spend some time just writing for you. I hope to get back here later and will try to gift you with something special.
But I didn't make it back to write anything more and indeed spent time again doing things other than what the Lord is asking of me. Why do I find it so difficult to simply do as I think the Lord is asking me to do? Why do I let my bad habits control my life? I don't want to and indeed would like to have the Lord so totally in control of my life that everything I think, do and say is for you. But so often I just allow myself and my bad habits to resume their control of my life. I will work on correcting that.

2nd Wednesday of Advent--Struggling

Hello my Lord and Friend,
The thought today is how I learn to handle your generous blessings to others and not feel jealous? It seems so silly to me at times that I on the one hand ask you to bless and help people I know and love and then when you do, I feel somehow cheated that I have not been given the same blessings.
This is something I have struggled with for quite some time.

I feel you are testing me when this happens. I ask you to bless someone because I am havng trouble with them for some reason or another. You do bless them and abundantly and generously and then I am miffed because you pour your blessings out in such measure as to make me somewhat envious. I wonder if they would have recieved the blessings if I had not asked and so ponder not asking you to bless them.

I also think that maybe this allows me to be a part, although just a teeny tiny part of your plan. If the blessings are poured out because I do ask, wow!! That is awesome and makes me want to go around blessing people all the time, or at least most of the time. I guess my problem here is that I struggle with those people and when they are blessed so abundantly I feel slighted. I know I must work on this to be truly your disciple.

I haven't had a chance to get out and get anything photographed since Sunday, so I am using pictures from my collection.

2nd Tuesday of Advent--A questioning moment

This day began with me wanting to do better. I resolved to trust God about whether my son and his family will be joining us for Christmas. My husband is drinking daily again and I am troubled by it, even though he is making a greater effort to control his addiction, he is still an addict.
I am slipping back into my daily addictions, also, of watching television as soon as I come home from work. I must remember that my duty is to work on my own addictions. I was so delighted about my husband when he wasn't drinking and now he is back at it. I guess I need to still trust in the Lord and still work on my own addictions.

2nd Monday of Advent--Snowy day

Today it snowed for the first time in over a month. It was nice to see the whiteness cover over the brown blahness that had been most of November.
I was busy today at work, helping people with their packages. My husband was drinking again tonight when I got home. Just a day. I was so angry with my daughter-in-law tongiht. She doesn't want to share Christmas, and only wants to spend it with her family, even though she lives within a mile of her mother.

2nd Sunday of Advent--Clearing Obstacles

The readings at Mass today call for us to make straight the path...into our hearts. Father explained that we must remove the obstacles blocking access into our hearts before the Lord comes so that he might enter easily into our hearts, our lives.
At first I thought it just a regular Advent homily, but as I began thinking more on it, I was reminded of that day a number of years ago when I had prepared for another parishoner an ornament to put upon the tree--a barren tree such as the one I photographed today. The person for whom I had prepared it, rejected it and me in such a way as to embarrass me totally and send me running from church because I was bawling such great gouts of pain. That was one of the most painful moments I can ever remember and no doubt one of the five unforgiven things that is obstructing the path into my heart.
As I was walking today, I realized that the Lord had asked me to present the gifts with this person, but at the time, it was only on the periphery of my mind and thoughts. I asked another friend instead to join me in this honor. I ask forgiveness for not listening to the Lord as he was going to make the path straight by giving me this gift. Help me to better hear you, my Lord, that I might never cause such pain to anyone as I experienced on that day. If I have indeed caused pain to this person, I ask that you exchange the pain for a blessing for them. Forgive me for wanting him to experience such agony as I felt that day. As I recall, I did ask such a thing in my anguish--that you would allow him to feel the agony of my heart and I also think I asked that you sunder his relationship with another and even maybe asked that you send lightening bolts down upon them....such was my agony.
On this day, however, I did not suffer any anguish and only came later to recognize that I was being asked to bring forth the gifts with that person. Perhaps I need to extend my forgiveness to the person for the pain caused so long ago--I do forgive him as it probably didn't occur to him that he was causing me such anguish.
I am trying to remove the obstacles placed in front of the path into my heart that the Lord may come directly in when he arrives. I hope this journey of painful reminders is part of that process and offer to the Lord my thanks and praise for all his gifts. I also ask that I hear again in the depths of my heart and soul the requests that I didn't listen to today so as not to miss the opportunity to move forward from the place of pain.

Advent Day 7--Giving

Today some friends gave me a painting done a number of years ago by a local artisan. They drove many miles to give the painting to me and asked that I find a home for it. I have no idea if the painting is of high value or not but the artisan is well known locally, mostly for her landscapes. This was a portrait of someone locally, she looked vaguely familiar, but still unknown.
I considered finding a home for the painting at my home but then the Spirit's still small voice was heard and I gave it to the museum, which it turns out has quite a collection by this same artist.
It reminded me of how much the Lord gives to us each day and many times we are so unaware of his generosity. How does this happen that the God of the Universe can give so much to us each day--including his only son--and we are totally unaware of these gifts--often thinking that we are the generous ones?
It turns out that my friends are the generous ones and that I am merely a conduit--a channel whereby their gift can reach others. I guess the same might be said of all I do or think or say. I am merely the conduit for God's generosity and gifts, allowing it to pass through me to the ones to whom it should belong or those to whom the message needs to be heard. I can claim nothing in these matters--not generosity or wisdom or anything else. The Giver is who needs to be thanked and acknowledged, not the mechanism by which the gift was passed along.

Advent Day Six--Feast of Immaculate Conception

When I awoke this morning, I was tired even though I had slept fairly well. I have been trying to fast on Wednesdays and Fridays and so began this day with fasting in mind.
Fasting has become important to me even though it is something I apparently need to practice practice practice in order to be able to do it well, I guess. I perhaps need to practice in order to be able to do it at all. At any rate, as the day went on, it became apparent to me that I wasn't going to fast as I had hoped and planned. Just too many little inconsistencies throughout the day caused me to forget to deny myself. So at lunchtime I had lunch and asked the Lord to forgive me for not holding to my fast this day.
As usual, I was feeling guilty about breaking the fast. I was still feeling that way when I went to Mass to celebrate the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. As I was leaving Mass, Father wished me a Happy Feast Day! It then occured to me that the reason I couldn't fast was because it was a feast day and Blessed Mother wanted me to feast on this special day instead of fast. Talk about an awesome recognition of the Lord!! It was so special to me to know first of all that they desired me to enjoy myself on the Feast Days of the church, secondly that it is by grace that I am able to complete my fasts on those days I commit to doing so and thirdly that if I had left right after communion as I was tempted to do that I would have missed the blessing of knowing and recognizing the Lord in that moment.

Advent Day Five--A Reminder of Traditional Moments

As this day dawned, I began to prepare for the funeral of a dear lady friend. She was 89 and it was her time to rejoin you. How delightful that she will be welcomed into your kingdom, for I am sure she is there.
Her faith and mine assure me that we will be in heaven withyou once our earthly journey is done.
I know I saw you this day in the Eucharist and the celebration of Mass. It was a wonderful reminder to me that when I am having difficulty finding you, I need to seek you in the sanctuary where I know I will find you and in the sacrifice you made for my friend and for me and for all of us.
How can we not relish those moments? I have so often neglected you by not thinking of you during your sacrifice and what is supposed to be my worship of you. I don't want that to happen any more. I want to be so in love with you that I cannot wait to see you and that I seek always to find you in each experience.
As I think of you today, I am reminded of all you would have me be and of all you would like me to do. I thank you for your many gifts and ask that you guide me in what I am to do for you.

Advent Day Four--Worrisome moment

I am so tired but need to just take a moment here to tell you how much I love you, my Lord and my God. You are so awesome to me. I thank you for my husband and pray you will do what is best for him. Take care of him...he is precious to me.
Today I began not knowing what to do because of my anger at my husband last night. He had been excessively drinking again. You reminded me that I need to work on my own problems and not focus on his and I am trying to do that my friend.
My anger dissipated during the day but re-emerged again this evening when I got off work and came home to find him drinking again. I just clammed up and got ready for our church group ornament exchange.
That was alot of fun. I thank you for the fellowship of our ladies group. What a wonderful group of women. Bless you my lord and king. Also bless our priests. They are so wonderful and how we appreciate them.
I guess today I saw you in the ladies and in my husband. Different aspects of you that I am not yet able to put into words.

Advent Day Three--Sheltered

I found the Lord in so many moments today. It was incredible for me to know that it was He giving me "inside information" about people I know and love. I recognized immediately it as a gift from you, my Lord and friend. It was so cool to know about a certain person's motivation here and about a possible move there. I even recognized you in my husband's drinking.
It was a reminder that I need to be about your business...doing what you would have me do and not wasting my life on meaningless things.
I have spent too much time doing the things I need to recover from and I don't need to spend time worrying about whether or not my husband will manage to overcome his addictions. I need to work on my own faults and failings. The reminder from you, however, was much needed and I thank you for it. I also thank you for the moment of feeling sheltered.
The moment came during my walk as I was wondering what to give you today. As I walked, I remembered this shelter house. I recognized you in the moment you chose my route for me today, as I normally do not walk past this historic monument. The shelter it provided to travelers past and the shelter you provide me daily give warmth and comfort to any day and I thank you for your sheltering love and care of me. Thank you so much for this day and for the moments of finding you in it and in all.

Advent day two--A forgotten moment

I began the day with high hopes for catching a glimpse of the Lord somewhere in my day. I had hoped to find him at a time when I could stop and enjoy his presence, but my day began in a rush--I got up late and had to rush through my morning prayers. I was busy at work and didn't find the time to stop and catch him in a moment when I could enjoy the moment.
So, I used a photo taken previously and find I can see him in the splendor of this magnificent sunset. Perhaps I didn't need to find him at all because he has always been there, just as he was here in this photo but I didn't recognize him at the time.
So often, I feel I must overlook him in my life and all I can do is try to do better on this journey. Thank you my Lord and God for such moments. Thank you for inspiring me at the time to catch the moment in a photo, even if I didn't recognize you at the time.

Beginning of Advent--A Hovering Moment

The first day of Advent dawned cold. The air is crisp with cold, but with no wind to diminish the warmth of the sun, today is a day of winter splendor.

I began the journey with a walk on this day, snow crunching under my winter boots. As I neared the field where I frequently walk and take photos, a plane droned overhead causing me to look up. A few more steps and I chanced to view the cloud formation hovering in the sky awaiting my notice. It was an inspired moment, one in which I stopped and recognized that it is God hovering over me, loving and protecting me. Being my friend and giving me such gifts as this moment to so astound my heart and soul.

I am so excited to be working on this gift. What wonders may arise from such moments I can only imagine. But as I was walking along, I became inspired to take photos of a proposed nature route. I feel I am being asked to do a power point presentation on the proposed route, laying out the conditions as I view them. So in that moment of simple obedience when I snapped the photo of the clouds to the moment of downloading when I wasn't sure of my choice of photos and had it selected "automatically," I find that God was hovering over me, guiding me where He would have me go. He also gave me a project to do while he and I journey this Advent. I find the whole experience wondrous and delightful.

During Advent we are encouraged to prepare for the coming of the Lord, and it now seems to me that it will be much easier to do this if we spend the time together so that we know one another. I will find Him in some moment each day and try to reflect something of what I have discovered about Him in my writings this season.

Like a Child

I had been having such a terrible time at work. I was feeling so much the outcast and in fact had written to my boss before I went on vacation and asked him to think about my employment and whether or not he wanted me there anymore. It was just me feeling so sorry for myself and while I was on vacation I was still chewing on the bone of my dissatisfaction.

I asked you for help, my Lord and my God and the image that came immediately to mind was awesome. I was walking on the beach and pondering all that I had asked my boss to consider and feeling so sad about the possibility of moving on to something else...about the possibility of my worst fears being true and them wanting me gone....

My mind and heart were churning so much over the whole affair and I didn't know what to do or what was going to happen.

You came to me then or rather revealed yourself to me. Closing my eyes, I saw myself as a small child running to you for protection and safety and justice. And you opened wide your arms and enveloped me in such peace and security that I didn't want the moment to end. I kept my eyes shut reveling in your love for me and it was one of the most wonderful moments I can recently recall of absolutely knowing your love. Because I knew absolutely and without a doubt that you were indeed wrapping your arms about me and that you would deal with what was troubling me. I did in fact picture us walking off together to deal with the situation...me as a small child and you holding my hand, warding off all the troubles that I was so afraid of.

Thank you, my Lord and my God for your constant protection of me and for your everlasting love of me. I will strive to share it with the rest of your children that they might rejoice as I rejoice in your love.

My sweet one--

I love you. Know this. Live this. Joy in this. I will go with you wherever you go. Delight in this truth. I am with you always. Be at peace, child, for all is well.

The Power of the Fast

Good morning Lord--
I must begin writing again so as to offer you my total and complete obedience. Let's see, since I last wrote, my dog Pete had to be put down, Mike quit drinking and the Republicans lost majority control of both houses of Congress. Terrorists are making threats against us, but those threats seem minor to the every day threats of evil now so rampant in our world. What are we to do?
The biggest thrill for me within the last month was when Mike quit drinking again. He is an alcoholic, so his drinking was getting out of control and badly so. We had purchased a new truck and in loading his atv in it right after it was purchased, we drove the atv through the rear window of the truck, shattering the window. I was so distraught over it and told him that he was also shattering our relationship with every drink he took.
The next day, I began to fast in addition to my daily prayers and once again resumed praying the rosary. I'm not sure how far into the fast I was, but at one point, I literally heard a "pop" as if a chain were breaking. Because my husband did not drink that night or the next or the next, I realized that it was the chain of addiction being broken and freeing him from this evil.
Our whole relationship changed overnight into what I have been hoping and praying it would become--a spiritually blessed friendship as well as a marriage. It has been glorious.
But then I disobeyed you and a chink in the armor allowed him to get drunk one more time.
You had asked me to begin writing and I told you I would. I didn't and made excuses for myself as I always do when I disobey. The result was almost as instanteous as the fasting, but in reverse. He began drinking almost immediately from the time I disobeyed. It was a real eye-opener for me. Actually, the whole experience is an eye-opener. First, I got to see how effective fasting when joined with prayer is (AGAIN!)
But I also got to see how devastating disobedience can be. You allowed me to see what my single acts of disobedience will let happen. It's as if the enemies are waiting for just such a moment of weakness to attack.
Fortunately, you have not allowed the drinking to get out of control again, but allowed me to see how damaging my disobedience can be. Thank you for the insight and help me to be more obedient each day.

JC--
My sweet one. Thank you for realizing it was a lesson and thank you for the thanks and praise you gave me at the time of learning the lesson. Thanks and praise are also weapons, as is fasting, against the enemy. You are in training and I hope you will begin to instantly obey when you hear me speaking to you. You are precious to me. Continue on as I have instructed you and know that I love you and will not abandon you to the evils stalking your world this day. We have much to accomplish and once you begin to immediately obey, we can begin our work to save as many souls as possible from the enemy. There is indeed danger in this time. But know that you are Mine and I love you and will keep you from unnecessary suffering. Do you understand that suffering may be necessary for the salvation of many? The operative word is unnecessary....I will save you from that. Offer your sufferings to me in union with my sufferings for this world and know we are victorious.
Go in peace, child. You are one with me in all you do. I love you.

The Battleground of a Soul

Good Evening my Friend--

Thank you so very much for the gift of my dad being baptized in the Catholic Church on Aug. 20, 2006. I was so pleasantly surprised when he said he was thinking of it and thought that undergoing the lessons might change his mind, but he hung in there and was baptized, received the Sacrament of Confirmation and 1st Communion all in one magnificent ceremony. It was lovely and touching and I am so thankful to you for calling him and for Father Karl agreeing to baptize him.

I wish I knew how to combat my husband's addiction to alcohol. He is getting worse and worse and I don't know what to do about it, Lord. He drinks himself stupid nearly every night and last night met clients totally drunk and drove them home. I was so appalled by that that I met him and yelled at him and just allowed my anger at alcohol to overwhelm me and take it out on him. What do I do about this? I am afraid he may end up killing someone or in jail and I don't want that. I have tried to convince him of his need for professional help, but he scoffs at me. Lord, please help me.

JC--my sweet one. Please do not be afraid. Fear does no one any good. I know this is a most difficult time for you and you must keep the faith and be loving and joyous. Think how when you are angered by this that your sense of peace is lost. You must keep the sense of peace and calm to be effective as a prayer warrior. You battle the forces of the unseen and must remain calm and joyous and loving to do battle effectively for me and for your husband. He does not realize his soul is a battleground and he is in effect giving ground to the enemy by his choice to drink, but that is the best analogy I can give you. It's as if you are battling terrorists (alcoholic spirits) who want to claim him as their own (for ultimate destruction--suicidal behavior) and you must fight these terrorists with the weapons of the realm. My weapons are prayer, fasting, love and they are the weapons which will enable you to be victorious over this enemy. But you must not allow the covert agents of anger and fear to invade and ruin your battle plan. I love you, my child and want you to be victorious in this endeavor so that I can use you in fighting other battles of the unseen realm. But you must first fight this battle and learn to use my weapons effectively. Does this make sense to you?

Lord--yes it makes sense to me on one level, but on another I want to slug him for drinking himself stupid. Forgive me for those basest of instincts, but that is the way he makes me feel. He also seeks to blame me for not being the person he wants me to be, and I suppose I am not, but he doesn't have to ruin himself in order to abide me, does he? Am I really so horrid that he thinks, feels he must drink himself into oblivion to put up with me? Is this the price I am paying for my past sins and faults? What do I do?

Sweet one--it is propaganda of the evil spirits seeking to control him and damage you. You must not believe you are the cause of this behavior. Of course you have your faults and failings, but you are not responsible for his poor choices. He may be listening to the propaganda of the spirits who would destroy him to get to you. You are the one they are trying to ruin--make no mistake about that. If they can spoil your inner calm and rob you of your peace, they will have succeeded in this battle. You must not allow them to rob you of your most effective weapons--love, joy, laughter and peace. Those are the weapons that will defeat any enemy, but especially the ones using your husband as a battleground at this time. I am with you and for you, but you must pick up the weapons and do battle. You must pray and love and laugh and thus banish this enemy. Do not blame or hold responsible your husband. I will hold him responsible for whatever choices he makes against my will for you. Be obedient to my orders in this matter and it will bring you to where I would have you be. Make no mistake my child, this is but a testing time for the battles to come upon this age. You must prepare and do as I command you if you are to be victorious in other battles. You have an affinity for St. Frances, who also loves you. Join your prayers with his in this matter and begin now a novena for your husband. Sweet child--I love you and need you to fight this battle with the tools of my realm, my kingdom. That is how we will overcome the temptations and trials of this evil time.

My Friend--

Thank you as always for calming me and for speaking to my heart. I do not know why I so often neglect these times with you. I need you and I want to be head over heels in love with you that I may always do your will. Thank you for loving me.

Praise and Thanksgiving

Good morning my dear Friend,
How I struggle with your commands and injunctions to me. I so long to be the person you would have me be, but I continue to harbor resentments of things that disturb me. You have told me to praise you for these things and people and I am trying, Lord. I give you thanks and praise for my husband, even when he drinks too much. I praise you and thank you for my job and the people I work with even when I want to quit and do something else. I give you thanks and praise for the relationships people I care about have with others, even when I want those relationships for myself. As I write out my praises, I realize all of my complaints are selfish and I have so very much to be thankful for. Please help me. Forgive me for my selfishness and pettiness and exchange my hurts and anxieties for blessings on the people I find myself resenting. Thank you Lord, for your many blessings and guide me in what you want me to do with my life.

Don't be afraid my sweet one. Continue on in the way you are going and soon, very soon all will be made clear to you. I know you are deeply dissatisfied with your life as it is today. I am working on changes for you, but I do not want them to be so abrupt, so radical thay you do not survive the ordeal. I am working out your deepest prayer requests in the manner which will suit you best. Do you trust me to do this? If you do, then do not fear. Go on the way you are currently on and I will bless you with answers to your prayers. Fear not. Yes, praise me for things you do not see happening. All is well, my sweet one. I love you so very much.

Another Leap of Faith Moment

Hello My Lord and King--

How I thank you and praise you for all the favors you have bestowed upon me. You are such an awesome God and I am so fortunate to have You in my life. I so often forget how many things you have granted to me in my life. You take such good care of me and I so often forget to thank you for your care of me, instead of focusing on what I believe (at the time) to be such grievances. Forgive me for all my sins and failures, my Lord.

Last night as I was laying in bed, in a near dreamlike state, I clearly heard you tell me that you would take care of me. I was thinking again of a way to change things in my life and was afraid to make a "leap of faith". You were somewhat hurt and wounded that I would doubt your care of me. I was led to know that you most definitely will care for me but also to know that you don't necessarily want me to "jump off a cliff" to prove to myself that you will catch me. I don't know how to explain it as it deserves, except to note that I felt much safer when and if I make a life changing decision. I feel I will be guided and protected by you and that you will care for me. I know this doesn't seem like such a noteworthy epiphany, but it was very REAL to me last night. Whereas before, it was what I thought but didn't really believe it with my whole heart and soul, I guess.

At any rate, I know I must focus on a few things that you want me to focus on and try to get those right with you. I do not fear the future and will go where you lead me, even if it is back to the same old thing and place. I sometimes do so want to go somewhere new and exciting and to work full time for you in some manner. I sometimes wish I could just leave the things which so often vex and trouble me and do something new. I have not yet been granted the special courage or Spirit filled inspiration such a move as that would require, though.

Hang in there with me, my Lord and King as I try to live the life you want me to live.

Sweet One--Know that I will always hang in there with you and YES!!! take care of you. If you decide to quit your job and do something else, I will care for you. That is what I was trying to communicate with you. You needn't feel married to your current job. I do have other things I want you to do and will provide you with what you need to accomplish those tasks. I know that you must have a sweet way to accomplish changing career at this time in your life, so I am working on a plan for that. Listen to me, spend time with me and follow my leading and guidance and know that ALL IS WELL for indeed, so it is.

Be at peace and know I love you.

Healing for my hurting heart

Hello my Friend--
It has been so long since I have taken the time to sit and spend this time with you. I miss it and you so I must make greater effort to spend time here.
My heart was breaking yesterday, yet I know you are guiding and protecting me. I know I am following your guidance, but it still hurts to realize something I wanted so badly will not happen.
Yet, my heart is at peace and I know this is because I have been able to let go of something that got in the way of my relationship with you. I did try to convince myself that it was a gift from you and I think maybe the gift was you not allowing me something that would hurt you and others I love so much. I don't know where we are going from here, but I am looking forward to the journey. Yesterday all I wanted to do was cry. Today, I don't know what I want, except to please you.

Sweet One--
PLease do not be afraid of this turn of events. You knew it was coming and you know it is for the best for all concerned--as you have prayed many times. Do not be afraid to follow me where ever I lead. I love you and want only the best for you. Do you trust me in this? I have good things in store for you and only ask that you trust in me and love me to the best of your abilities. Your heart is troubled because someone you love seems to have forsaken me. Do not let your heart be troubled about this. You have done as I have asked of you in this matter. The choice is not yours to make. It is one of the most difficult things about free will--allowing those we love to choose things that are not of me. Yet you must not want to punish them or judge them. You do not yet know how the story will play out. You must trust me that all is well and that I am guiding and protecting you. Do as I ask of you and know that ALL IS WELL.
Rejoice my little one that I love you so and that you have been given the grace to know and do my will. I cherish you. I will not allow you to be blindsided.

Thank you my lord and King. Please pour out your blessings on my family this weekend. I love you and thank you for all your gifts to me, especially that of my father wanting to know more about my faith.

An Early Float Trip

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have posted anything. I guess I have been in a slump and feel guilty about not doing what I say I am going to do. I wish I could just let go of certain things and do what I think would please you, my lord. I am so unworthy of your love and forgiveness, yet you continually give it to me in abundant measure. How I love you. Help me to love you even more and to do what I know will please you--giving up certain things that displease you and doing more of what will please you. Please forgive me once again for my faults and failures.

When my son was home we took advantage of the nice weather and did an early float trip down the river. It was so good having him with us after he has been in Iraq. I have been so blessed in all my children and grandchildren. Thank you Lord, for the many blessings you continually pour out upon me. You are wonderful to me.

I need your help with a couple of matters that are disturbing me. One involves co-workers. When I walked into work yesterday one of them was cackling at something the other worker had said and for some reason I knew it was about me. I try not to be paranoid about this but they were definitely making me the brunt of this matter. So I just went about my business but later in the day the coworker who had said something to the other coworker to make her cackle said something very snidely to me and it has bothered me ever since. About a broken part, he said "Why don't you just heal it?" And it was meant to hurt me and it was so cynical that I was deeply hurt. I regard my coworkers as friends, especially this one as we have known one another for a very long time and have been friends outside of work for many years. Anyway, I knew at that moment that something similar was what they had been laughing about when I entered the building earlier in the day. It is very hurtful and I don't know how to respond to things such as this. Please guide me, my Lord and King.

Sweet child--

If he scoffs so at you for your daily behavior, can you imagine the scoffing he would give were he to happen upon our blog? I know you do not flaunt your beliefs to warrant such actions from him, but really--can you imagine his reaction to my speaking to your heart? Would you defend me, my child? I long for your love of me to be outspoken to people such as this. You fear to speak out because you think they will label you and laugh at you. Why do you fear this? They already laugh at you and it is for just living out my Word--trying to live according to the Gospel message. So, if you told them God speaks to your heart, what would happen? More laughter and more mockery? This is part of being a follower of mine. You are mocked and scorned and the more they know of our relationship--our personal relationship--the more they will mock and scorn. It is not something you need to fear. You handled it as well as you were capable of given the circumstances. And I forgive you for wanting him struck down for hurting you. Moments such as those are the moments I want you to stop what you are doing and pray for them. When those you care about hurt you, that is when you need to love them even more and pray for blessings to be showered upon them.

The other matter bothering you--your special friend not being here during Holy Week is something I want you to give to me. It hurts you more deeply than the scoffing of your other friends for you have shared the blessings of Easter for many years. Give it to me and trust me that I will do what is best for you. You have withheld giving me concerns you have regarding this friend because when I granted your prayers and blest this friend with what was best, you felt left out and rejected. You do not trust that giving it to me will be something that pleases you. You might think it is best for you, as bad tasting medicine that cures is best for you, but you do not really believe I will give you something that is best for you and delights you. I ask you to give it to me and to trust me. Will you do this?

Lord--yes. I give the matter to you. I do trust you and ask that where I doubt, you fill me with the certainty of your love and care of me. And even if it ends up being bad tasting medicine that cures but does not delight, I trust you and love you and thank you for the giving of it.

Oh my sweet love--I do delight in you. I long to give you such gifts as will astound your heart. Holy Week and Easter will be for you and I. Often your love for your friend has come before your love for me. I want to share this Holy Week and Easter with you and no distractions or misgivings about what will happen. I will grant your heart's desire. Do you trust me?

I do trust you my Lord. Thank you so much for granting me the insight to be able to be generous with my co workers and friends in these matters. I trust in you and will try to do better at doing the things you ask of me.

More contemplation

This evening time was spent with my friends who are spending time in formulation as lay Carmelites. We are just beginning the journey and have begun studying St. John of the Cross. I had much difficulty reading the introduction. I found myself reading and re-reading it and still not grasping it. It became easier, or rather spoke to my heart more as I began actually reading "The Ascent of Mt. Carmel." We are taking it slow and I am glad for that. I am somewhat concerned because of St. John's views on personal revelations. He doesn't think anyone who has a personal revelation should share it with the world. Which is exactly what I am doing with my conversations with you, Lord. Or perhaps my conversations are just my imagination working overtime??
I began this journal as a Lenten gift to you, my Lord. Is this not something you want me to be doing? Or perhaps I just should not share it with anyone. This just seemed to be such a good format as I can put a photo with each entry and write about my day. When I have tried this in the past, I didn't really have a finished product. Or I have a more finished product by using the weblog format.
Perhaps I am over-reacting to the comments made this evening. I mean, the blog isn't exactly being overrun with comments from readers, so perhaps it isn't so public after all.

Good Evening my beloved child,

I delight in you and in your sweet innocence. Do not fear. You have sought to give me a gift of your time and talents by spending time writing to me and recording my responses to you. You also take the time to go out and find a picture you want to share with me, a picture taken during quiet time we spend together. You do not intend to share it with the world at large, although if I choose to share it with someone who may benefit from it, it is now available to them.

Lord, I am also worried a bit because of the comments made about doing something alone. The idea, or so I gather, is to share such things with others so that I do not deceive myself. But this project is intensely personal. That is one of the reasons we came up with a pen name. The anonymity of that eases my heart so much in that casual readers do not know who is penning these entries. It is easy to share with someone who may never know who I am, but to share it with someone who knows me is quite another thing.

Be still and know that I am God, as the Psalmist has said. Do not fear. I will not allow you to deceive yourself. You must trust that I am God and will protect you here, even from yourself. As we journey along, you will see that all is well. Trust me and go forward unafraid. I love you.

The "Cracked" Vision

Wow. I have had a hard time this past week keeping true to my resolution to write every day. I guess one of the reasons I have had a hard time is because it feels forced and I want it to be inspired. I have not done well with the television thing either. I keep watching even when I have seen the programming before. What is with that? Why don't I just turn it off and spend time with you, Sweet Jesus? Please be with me this day as we review the past week and my trials and failures.

Let's see....Several things I wanted to ask about. The first was the "vision flash" of a crack..Seeming to separate two people, I think. Or perhaps a crack in the protective aura of someone. I don't know. I am not sure if the crack or the vision of the crack was something to celebrate or something to heal? At first I thought it was similar to the axing of a harmful growth that I saw several years ago. But, the crack was only a short one and didn't pierce the whole way, as did the axing. In that "vision", the split was total and complete from head to toe. So then I thought it might be a warning that something was trying to invade my protective aura. And then, I thought perhaps it was you finally "cracking" my defenses and that I might be at the stage where I can allow you to enter into my heart and soul completely.
So that is one thing. The next was an abrupt surge of anger and rage. It happened over my lunch hour the day following the "cracking vision" and all of a sudden, I just got viscerally angry at a friend and started cussing at this person and shouting at the person in the silence of my heart and mind. At that point, I did obey you and grab my Bible and read what you directed me to read, calming myself down, I'm thinking that might have been an attack of some kind. It was interesting that the first thing out of the person's mouth when we next met was "Well??" As if my friend actually heard me and was asking me about the attack.
And then there is the cold rudeness of another female. She ignores me when she can and makes snide remarks when she must speak with me. I feel she dislikes me extremely and even though I know the reason, I am not sure what to do about it.
So, those are the highlights of the week after my last post. I am so sorry for having failed to write daily and for having failed to turn off the television. Help me Lord, my God and my Friend, to value my time with you more than anything. Forgive me for my failures and sins and guide me in overcoming all those things displeasing to you.

Ah..sweet, sweet Child and Friend,
I do value you so much. I forgive you for the times you hurt me by not valuing our time together as much as I do. Do you hear what I am saying to you? I value our time together so much. Yes, I long to spend more time with you. I do thank you for taking me with you everywhere you go, however. I know that I am always with you in the center of your heart. I know you feel this because of the many times you stop and speak with me during your day. I value that in our friendship.
As to interpreting your visions...The first time you saw the axing, it was as if a tree had been split in two with one side surviving even after the split. The axing cut away a part of the tree that was sick. And you should remember specifically praying for the healing of the surviving half.
In the vision of this past week, the crack was more like a crack in an eggshell, was it not? That is where you got the idea it might be a cracking of a protection...Much as a chick is protected by the eggshell until it is time to come out of the shell and into the world. The crack did not go the length and breadth of the egg, however. It was just starting. Nor was it as violent as the axing of the tree. It was a start. It was a brief glimpse of a new life that is about to be born in your life. Keep on praying and loving. You are doing well. You can do better, of course, but you are doing well.
As to the anger, it was an attack, as can be evidenced by the fact that when you began reading my Word, you regained your calm and did not allow the underlying cause of your anger to overwhelm you. It was real and it was an attack of evil against you. Even though you were angry at people, do not think that they are the source of the attack. Evil attacks my friends and loved ones to hurt me, but also to discourage them and hurt them and mislead them. Were you to act on your angry impulses, you might hurt the people you were angry with and evil would smile at your easy duplicity.
As to the female you are in conflict with, you do know what to do about it. You pray and love this person. Always, always when you find yourself in conflict with another, the first thing to do is bring them to me in prayer. Often, the other person does not wish you well. I will guide you in those instances. But to know where I am guiding you in response to their actions, you must first bring them to me in prayer.

Lord, thank you. You have lightened my burdens considerably this day. I thank you and praise you and love you for your wonderful care of me. How good you are to me. Thank you so much for all your blessings and for your guidance in all my deeds and words and actions. Thank you for protecting me and for loving me. I also had a glimpse today of myself between two people. One was the female I find myself in such conflict with and the other was a mutual friend. I was between them holding a hand of each of them. What does this mean? Does it mean I interfere with their relationship or that I hold it together?

Sweet one--
Meditate on this and see if you can determine what the Spirit is telling you with these visions. Do not be afraid. I am with you and will guide you to the truth. You need not fear exploring this gift a little. It is an awesome gift and you do not as yet realize what is happening. Be at peace and know that I love and cherish you.

A Bad Day

I had a monumentally bad day today. For most of the day, I was angry at my co-workers and felt threatened by every thing. My husband has been drinking again, heavily and I just had a rotten attitude today.

I don't know what I am supposed to be doing anymore, Lord. When I had a purpose, loving someone--truly loving them as you define love--I felt I had direction and at least knew what I was doing. But because you have told me that I no longer need to do that, I don't know what good I am doing. I still see this person on a regular basis, and love him in a general kind of way, but there is no depth of feeling or sense of mission like I had before. I have been very threatened by the person who is now in his life to take care of him, even though I prayed for it and you granted my prayers. And there is this Carmelite thing which I don't seem to be doing that well.
Do you have a purpose for me now, my Friend and my King? If not, you can take me home with you. I sometimes envision how it will be when you come get me and I sometimes cannot stand the wait.
I need to focus more on you and what you want of me than on my own sorry state of mind and heart. Please heal the hurts I inflicted today and had inflicted on me today. Thank you for your many blessings, especially the blessing of mercy and forgiveness for all my failures to accomplish what you would have me do, even if I am not sure what that is. I'm pretty certain that with an attitude like I had today, I wasn't doing what you wanted me to be doing.

JC, my sweet one--
I am sorry you had a difficult day. Know that for every bad day you have, I am right there beside you, helping you to carry the burden of the day's cross. You are not alone, even if it sometimes feels as if the whole world is against you. Do not fear any changes that may come about because of our renewed friendship. You are mine and are coming with me on this Lenten journey. I make the plans and preparations for the journey. I take all into consideration when I ask such a thing of my friends. I will help you with whatever needs you have when you need the help. Did you not know that when I asked to you read Scripture? I selected the reading especially for you so you would know I am with you and will be there when you need me. Just call on me-- out loud or in the silence of your heart. I care not which it is, but know and be sure that I will give you the help you need.
Try to remember not to judge others. Yes, they caused you grief today, but it is still not your job to judge them. That is my job. Your job and your cross is to love them and help them as you perceive their needs.
Be at peace and know that I am with you and for you. I am for you as I am your friend and defender. Threats against you will be dealt with by me. Do not fear. I am yours as you are mine. Mine to care for and love. I cherish you and am guiding you where I want you to go. Do not fret that you do not see the final destination--the goal. Just trust me and go where I lead you each day.

Lord--
Thank you for loving me in such a way. You are wonderful to me. Thank you for taking such good care of me. Forgive me for not always trusting you the way I should.

Judging

Although this picture was taken last year, the ground cover today a year and a month later looks very similar to this photo. This much snow in February is not uncommon but to have it cover the ground in March is a different story.

Just random thoughts as I sit here tonight. I have been reading several books on the saints. I have finished the biography of Mother Angelica and I started another book on St. John of the Cross in preparation for my Third Order Carmelite studies. What strikes me about both is the contentious times both had with the hierarchy of the church.
This strikes me because I have had my run ins with my local parish priest and even spoke with the Bishop about it. He urged me to appreciate the priest I have and left no doubts in my mind that he would support the priest. This is of some concern because of the scandal involving the priests and abuse. If bishops are willing to blindly support the priests, then what of any reform? Although my parish priest is not sexually abusive, he is verbally abusive and has a bad habit of lying to cover his mistakes. This troubles me.
At any rate, my interest in the willingness of religious to stand up to the hierarchy when they thought it necessary intrigues me. I have thought I need to stand up to abusive priests, but then have thought I need to be obedient to the church, i.e my priest. So the issue is somewhat confusing for me.
I am troubled also because this priest has caused several people to go to different parishes. I know that you often have people who do not see eye to eye with a priest and who choose to go to different churches. But this bothers me because the man worked closely with the priest and has now left due to a disagreement between them.
Help me here Lord to know and do your will.

My precious child--
How I wish all my children could get along with one another. It saddens me also that such hurt exists among my children. It saddens me that my priests often are so far away from the ideal I came to teach and to live. Yet it has always been so. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. All are in need of salvation. You hold my priests to a higher standard than you do lay people. But judgment is not your job. It is my job to judge of my priests, who have dedicated their lives to my service. Only I can fairly judge of their actions and what is in their hearts. Your job is to love the people I send into your life and to do as I ask of you. Do not be eager to judge of anyone else, especially my priests and religious. If correction is needed, trust me to do the correcting. Pray for your friends who have left your parish and gone to another. Bless them and your priest and pray for them all. Pray also for the victims of sexual abusive priests. These are the priest who so break my heart and betray my covenant with the people. Your job is to pray. You cannot pray too much.
Trust me, my child. I am God.

Addictions

Well, I have certainly had a difficult time getting anything written down this past week. Until this week, I have always thought my television viewing habits were a bad habit. After this week, I know it is more of an addiction, at least for me. I have given up television for Lent, but I have failed miserably at that sacrifice. It doesn't help that my husband will not give up television, so it is on and once it is on, I do not do well with finding something else to do.
So, before I give him any grief for his addictions, I must do something about my addiction of television viewing. If I watched only the programs I really like and then got up and did something else, it would be one thing. But once I sit myself down and begin watching television, that is pretty much where I stay for the duration.
I know you want me to spend more time with you, my Lord and King. And in wondering where I might find the time, it is very apparent that if I gave up television, I would have much more time for everything. But why do I find it so fascinating? I mean, usually it isn't even good programming that has me hooked. So, once again, I offer it to you. I will make a fresh start on my Lenten sacrifice beginning anew again today. And once I failed in that aspect, I also did not come to share my writings and thoughts with you. So, please forgive me once again for failing to be obedient to your will and for ignoring you.

The effects of the spring storm we had last week have been slow to depart and we've even had more snow on top of the foot we got Wednesday.

I am not sure what happened last week, but one day I felt threatened by someone and I'm not sure if I was just being snotty or if she really did intend to cause me hurt. At any rate, I was reminded that you are there to protect me and will send your angels to guard my comings and goings. If I am to suffer, then I know you will grant me whatever graces I need. And if it was me who was being hurtful, then I ask your forgiveness once again for that as well.

As the meditation of today reminded me, you died that I might be forgiven. I can not be outside of your loving forgiveness and to think otherwise diminished your sacrifice.

My sweet child--
Know that I love you. Trust in me. I will not let you fail. Listen to my voice. You have struggled with the addiction of television for a long time. It is like a chain binding you that you must break away little by little until one day you awaken and the chain no longer binds. I could snap it for you, but I desire effort from you in this matter. I will bless your efforts in saying no to television and yes to me. I need you to see how this all works and if I just release you from the addiction, you will have learned nothing. I need you to give me your life daily and trust that I do love you and will bless your efforts. Do not fear. I will not let this struggle overcome you. I need you to remember that my sacrifice covers all your sins. Do not believe anyone who tells you that because you continue to fall in seeking to overcome your addictions that you are beyond my forgiveness. That is not so.

Spring storm

Awakening today, the ground was covered with nearly a foot of new snow. Spring storms are delightfully big and wet, even though they often cause damage. My husband, who plows snow in the winter months, doesn't think they are as cool as I do.
I have just finished reading the biography of Mother Angelica, a woman whose faith amazes me as does her instantaneous obedience. If she hears you telling her to do something, Lord, she just starts doing it.
How I wish I could be like her in that regard! I hear you speaking to me, Lord and I immediately start to tell you all the reasons I cannot do what you are asking of me. I very often talk myself out of believing that it is really you who have asked it of me--convincing myself that I have imagined it. Where does the kind of faith that Mother Angelica has come from? Does it come from you? If you want me to be that obedient to your commands, may I ask for the kind of faith and belief that your beloved Mother Angelica has?
An even more frightening question is have you given it to me and I still don't do as you ask? Is there hope for such a person? Another question is what would you ask of me were you to gift me with that kind of faith and belief?
I don't know that I have it in me to confront Church hierarchy as she did. Wow. Having had my own difficulties with my parish priest, I cannot imagine going up against the Conference of Bishops or building anything "on faith that the money will come in." Perhaps that is why you don't ask such things of me.
Forgive me for being such a disappointment to you, my Lord. I continually don't do as you ask or do as you don't want me to. Please help me to become more like Mother Angelica in the things that I can do for you.

Oh my love--
Do you still not realize how much I love you for who you are? I do not expect you to do the same things that I asked of Mother Angelica. You are right that I do expect you to obey me when I ask you to do something for me and you do hear me asking. You are learning obedience and practicing faith. That is how you will grow to be a more faith filled person, living and doing my will. It is not something that will just come at the drop of a hat for you. It may be like that for some of my children, but not for you. I give my children what suits them best--according to who they are. It is one of the wonders of the Body of Christ. All are different and have different gifts, but all are still one with me. You have much to learn, but you are learning it and making progress. Continue on in my love. I am with you to guard you and guide you in living my will. And you will come to love it. Be at peace. Be inspired by stories of my other children, not threatened by them.
As we continue our desert walk and temptation time this Lent, know that I am leading you where I would have you go. Trust me and know that all is well. I love you.

Called to Contemplation

This evening I went with my friend to the first meeting of a group who are in formation as Third Order Carmelites. When she first asked me I said no, I didn't think I wanted to do that, but I ended up going with her. Not because I wanted to go for myself but because she is my friend and she wanted me to go with her.
I am intrigued and frightened at the same time by the idea of committing to following the rule of the order. I originally told her that I would make no promises about whether or not I would continue once I had been to the first meeting. And I fully intended to tell her following the night's introductory session that it isn't something I want to do or commit myself to do. But I was intrigued and decided to give it a try.
I think this is your way of preparing me for another task you have in mind for me, Lord. I was reminded of a child who doesn't think she wants to go somewhere and has to be dragged kicking and screaming along until we get there and then she realizes that it might be just what she wanted all along. And there is no doubt at all that I can use the discipline required to make this a daily habit.
So, I offer it to you and ask you to bless my endeavors in your name. I pray that I am following your will for me in this matter Lord. I thank you for my friend who, perhaps, has heard your voice more clearly in this matter than have I.

My beloved--
You have prayed to love me as much as I love you. This is the way I have chosen to show you that love and how to love me better and better. You will like this way, even if it doesn't seem like it at the present time. Remember that my ways are not your ways and the methods I choose may not be the ones you would have chosen for yourself. Yet, I know you and I know your capabilities. I asked you to follow me into the desert. You said yes. Remember that the Carmelites began as a prayer community...In the desert.

Oh, my Lord!! How obtuse of me. I didn't expect something like this and as a result could have easily missed your voice calling to me and showing me the way to follow you. Thank you so much for not letting me miss it and thank you so much for my friend and allowing me to finally recognize you in her. And now, Lord, I can more easily accept the strictures of this order and will hopefully come to love it because it brings us into divine union. It is also good for me to be reminded that even though I believe you speak to me in this time, you also speak to me in the ordinary ways of my day--such as the suggestion of a friend. How I thank you and praise you, my Lord and King.

I love you, my child and long for a closer union with you. I long to be one with you as the Father and I are one. This is what I call each of my beloved children to and what I want to share with each of you. You do not need to be frightened. I will guide you easily and gently. Be at peace.

Following the Guide--First Sunday of Lent

I missed writing yesterday because I had family here and could not find the appropriate time to get away and spend time alone with you, my God. Yet tonight when you asked me to review my old handwritten journals, I realized that I have made progress over the years. In previous attempts to do just what I am doing this Lent, I have stopped doing it once I missed a day. The same with my other sacrifices for Lent. Once I failed, as I so often do, instead of getting up and resuming the sacrifice, I have used it as an excuse to just quit and not go on trying to keep the sacrifice. "It's been tainted by my failure," I rationalize and so I quit, never realizing that everything I do has been tainted by my failure and sin and is made worthy only because you have redeemed me and saved me.
My past offerings of a photo journal, for example, have never materialized because once I miss a day, I just give up and then beat myself up with guilt for having failed. It has been eight years since I first decided to offer you this gift during Lent. And, I don't know if I have tried doing it every year for the past eight years, but I have yet to complete the offering throughout all of Lent and into Easter. I pray for the grace needed to do so this year.

In reviewing those past journals, I also realized that I am making progress in my spiritual growth. So often I think I am getting nowhere and wonder why I try at all. Once I re-read some of my previous journal entries, though, I can see progress. Probably not as much as you would like from me and it is obvious we have to go over lessons you would have me learn again and again. But, I am making progress. And until I actually got a blog and a digital camera, it was difficult to find a mechanism for sharing this gift with you in the public way I feel you have called me to share it. So perhaps I just wasn't ready until this year to make this offering. I hope that is not more rationalization on my part.

Last night I felt like I was wrestling with demons the whole night. I kept seeing myself seated before my boss and reviewing our past work together. It was an agitating experience, as if I was justifying my actions of 25 years or so to him. He wasn't seeing things as I have seen them over the years and I ended up giving him my keys and walking out. I don't know if this is a precursor of things to come or not, but I also "claimed" a job from another person whom I would be interested in working for--I think. I don't know what all this means, Lord. But I thank you and praise you for taking care of me. I think part of the reason you had me review my handwritten journals was to reassure me that my version of things--as I laid out in this wrestling dream--was in fact the way it happened. Or at least how I viewed it at the time and how I recorded it for your approval and blessing. I have a difficult time speaking to him at length, though, so I pray that if you want me to speak to him of these things, you will grant me the words. I trust you with the outcome and my life and livelihood, though. Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings. Please forgive me for failing and sinning and for the many times I offend you.

My precious one--
I love you and have loved you for a very long time--since before you were born into this world. I did know you and love you then as I do now. I do forgive you for the times you have failed me and for the times you have hurt me. As I forgive you, please forgive others their failings and hurts--your boss among them. He has failed you many times and hurt you deeply, yet I ask you to be generous with him and to forgive him as I forgive you. The truth--that you have always been working for me instead of him is something he would find hard to believe. Yet, if you must speak those words to him, know that I will grant you the grace to speak with power to the truth of it.
You have wondered more than once lately if you are to move on to other things. I ask you to take it on faith that I am guiding you in the path I would have you go. I may ask you to follow me into the desert for a time of fast, prayer and temptation before I show you what I would like of you next, but know that it is a time of preparation for future work for me and I will be with you. Will you follow me into the desert?

Yes, my Lord and Guide. I will go where you lead.

Then go now in peace and get a good night's rest. I love you. Have no fear for I am with you.

The Tree--First Friday of Lent

Yesterday I wrote of being planted near God's River of Grace. In thinking of that, I consider myself to be like a tree--either bearing much fruit or needing to be cut down because I do not bear fruit. I found this wonderful tree last year, and I love the image of it--weathered, knotted knarly, twisted but still enduring.

I wonder if I must look something like this to you, Lord. The shape of my life having been formed by events, circumstances and situations. Some of which I chose and others I did not choose but merely happened. Some of the choices wise and some not. I wonder if my life is intertwined with those of others so that we are essentially one, as are the separate branches of this tree, now indistinguishable as separate things. And even though this tree is far from any water, I hope wherever I am planted, I am near your River of Grace.

Actually, I know I am planted near the River of your Grace because of the many blessings you have bestowed on me. You have shielded me from the results of many things in my life, mostly poor choices, so that even if I end up knotted and knarly, I am still alive and hopefully, producing fruit for the glory of your name. Perhaps if nothing else, I am as interesting to look at as is this tree.

Thank you for this day, my God and King. Thank you for the blessing of family members who have come to visit this weekend and for the joy of loving them. Forgive me for the anger and jealousy I feel towards friends. Please bless them according to your will and grant me the special grace I need to overcome this jealousy of their relationships. I am trying to be more like you but I so often feel as if I get farther from you.

My Sweet One--

I do love you and forgive you your many failings. I have purchased you with my life and you are precious to me. Do not fear. We will overcome the temptations which trouble you. Do not fear to bless those whom you find yourself in conflict with. I know you think that asking me to bless them will only give you further cause to feel jealous of them, but that is not the way it works in my kingdom. As you bless them you are granted the special graces you need to overcome your jealousies and fears. There is nothing to fear in their relationship. It does not detract from your relationship with them in any way. What I have granted to you is yours and no one else may claim it. You must believe this and take joy in it. Do not fear. I am with you and for you. I will vindicate you.

River of Grace--the second day of Lent

A meditation I was given today advised me to plant myself in the river of God's grace that I might be deeply rooted in his love and nourished by it. Asked to imagine how I see this River of Grace, I have to answer that I see it differently at different times.
Planted today near the river it would be hard for any nourishment of love to penetrate the frozen soil of my heart. Yet as winter turns to spring and the water of the river begins to rush through the valley it rises and often overflows the banks drenching everything. After the mad rush of spring, it slows providing gentle sustenance through the long, warm days of summer. And in the fall, the flow slows to a trickle before winter storms once again ice it over. I suppose my imaginings of this meditation reflect the ebb and flow of my relationship with you, my Lord and God. There are so many times I am frozen to your love, attempting to keep you from penetrating my heart. Yet at other times, I am so overwhelmed by it, as if carried away by flood waters. And then there are just calm times when I am nourished and grow in the gentle warmth of your love.
I often beat myself up for these differing views, thinking one or the other is somehow not as good. But perhaps what you are telling me here, Lord, in this meditation is that each aspect of my relationship is necessary to have life to the full. I need the winter as much as the spring or summer, just as all your creation does.
I really like the image of your grace permeating my whole being, as the life-giving water permeates a tree through the roots and up to the highest branches--filling each leaf, bloom, and branch with the nourishment needed to grow and produce fruit. I love thinking that your grace permeates each action of mine and also produces much fruit for the kingdom and I pray that this is so. Thank you, my Savior, for this day and for nourishing my soul even in the cold darkness of winter.

My beloved--
You often worry about not being used for a certain task, or fret yourself over times of inactivity. I desire to teach you that you must have periods of rest and preparation before you are once again able to do my work. There is nothing wrong with you, nor have you done something wrong. It is just the law of creation as I have laid it out for all. You will bear much fruit for the glory of my name, as you have prayed many times to do. Giving me thanks for this time of preparation is what I want from you today. There will be days when I ask much more of you and for those days, my river of grace will be as strong and rushing as a spring stream overflowing its banks and giving you all you can absorb. For now, rest and prepare for the time of growth to come. You are precious to me. Know this and rejoice.

Ash Wednesday--The Journey Begins

God's love for us is so huge, so magnificent in its glory that all we can sometimes do is simply be in awe of his greatness.

I see you frequently in nature, my God, and was fortunate enough this day to be outside where I could revel at the wonder of your creation. How magnificent it truly is! I am humbled before such a stunning display of your beauty, as reflected by your creation.

Thank you for arranging for me to be outside today. It seems more like I am beginning a journey that will take me ever closer to you when I get to share in the world pictured above. I thank you for this day and for the people whom you allowed me to share it with. I pray that you will pour out your blessings on each of them, gifting them with something special to their hearts. Thank you.

I had many things to ponder this day, but so far the thing which has stayed with me is from today's Gospel reading. Matthew's gospel spells out the behavior for fasting and prayer and I was comforted by it because of my earlier questions on speaking out. According to Matthew, I needn't go around telling people of my prayers and fasts, seeking honor or even just acknowledgment from them. If I do, that is the reward I get--even if it is not what I really want. If I want the reward the Father has to offer, then I must not boast of my prayers or fasts.
I do still wonder about when I should speak out, though. So many Christians believe they must share their faith with everyone around them. I don't know when to speak and when not to speak of it, so I usually don't speak out loud. I do speak to them in the silence of my heart and hope and pray that if God really wants me to speak out loud, he will give me the words or let them hear the words I speak in the silence of my heart.

My beloved child--
You are doing just fine. Do not fret yourself over words about me. Show me to others by living the Gospel message and words will be unnecessary. You will see as we make this journey that words are not required to share me with the world. I am delighted to share this journey with you and will indeed pour out many blessings on you as we go along together. I thank you for taking me with you this day and for recognizing me in the beauty of the outdoors. You will come to joy in the heart to heart conversations we share and to see them as a true manifestation of me. When your heart quickens, know I am speaking to you.

Preparing for Lent

I am looking forward to this time of Lenten preparation for your resurrection, Lord. I have been trying to get this offering done for several years and have not yet succeeded. I am hopeful I can do better this year, making myself more ready for you than I have been for quite some time.

I feel called to fast and pray in addition to making a sacrifice and this year you have been telling me loud and clear to give up television. I pray that I be granted the strength to succeed in this sacrifice. It is difficult because my husband doesn't practice lenten sacrifice. He would never think of giving up television. At least not yet. But I am letting my television viewing habits get in the way of You, my Lord, and the time we spend together. So, I will "sacrifice" my television viewing time.

My gift, though, will be to write daily in our journal, Lord. I hope to accompany the writing with photos and will use photos I have taken on our walks. I pray that we will be able to touch someone in need with the sure knowledge of your love and care. I pray that my gift will be precious to you and loved by you, used by you.

My Child--

You are so sweet to me. I do truly love you beyond anything you can as yet believe. You are precious to me and so will be your gift. You need not worry yourself with how or when I will use it. If you give it in love I will be able to use it. In previous attempts, you have sought glory and acknowlegement for yourself. What you do need to focus on is getting the job done. You have started off very well each Lent, but as Easter draws closer, your focus shifts away from me and accomplishing that which I ask of you and that which you have desired to give me. You then suffer needlessly when you fail to do that which you desire to do. I love you and want to help you with this.

It will truly be a Lenten Journey and you will document it as we go. Be not afraid for I am with you. I am for you as well, so do not let the world rov you of the victory you have won in me and by having me as your friend and savior. I love you.

Questions and Answers

I must consider all the ways in which I disappoint you, Lord, when I do not speak out. I have no fears sharing my love for you among those who love you as I do. But to share my love for you and of you with people who do not know you is frightening to me. I hope this avenue for expressing my love might in some way compensate for that lack in myself. I am a coward and a weasel as much as anyone else at whom I directed that insult. It is only me that must overcome all the failings of my nature--not those other people whom have so disappointed and hurt me. I need to fix myself before I ever start worrying about what they do or do not do.
Is my fear of speaking out reminiscent of the early days of Christianity when members of the Body would greet each other secretly, for fear of prosecution? Is my fear of speaking out in any way indicative of a serious flaw in my love for you?
I also try by my actions to live my love for you, letting those actions speak for themselve without any words of mine to mar their beauty. For my love for you in intense and deep and priceless to me. I must nourish it more with thoughts of love and goodness and generosity to all. It has always been my hope that those actions might shine out as examles of your love.

Tonight as I was walking along the river, pictured above, you answered some very troubling questions, Lord, and I thank you. I had a bad day and was fretting over a misunderstanding with a coworker. You let me have that wondeful gift of giving everything. I am inclined to selfishly hoard the things I keep thinking of as mine and that is when I hurt over these incidents. This time you granted me the graces I need to give to the other person everything and in so doing, gained a peaceful passage to another dimension of myself and you. I also gained the freedom to let go. I get such a sense of victory when I am able to do that. During our walk I remembered the past things I have experienced with this person. Our difficulties today are not something that need stop us from experiencing the love of Christ in a magnificent way.

If the other person feels it necessary to cut me out, then perhaps it is because you want me to move on to other things. I have spoken much of this with you recently, Lord. I go from fear to anger to depression to joy and back again. But tonight was one of those rare moments when I truly trusted the outcome to you. You do know what is best for me and that is all I need to know. All is well and I do believe you and trust in you. Thank you for the gift of giving completely, and thank St. Francis also, whose novena helps me to get to that place where I can give everything.

Sweet one--

All is well indeed. Do not fear. You have won the victory this day over the demons of self pity and selfishness . They seek to demoralize you with moments of angst and strive to rob you of the peace and victory you have won in, with and through me. They can only succeed if you let them. You have won the victory. Do not let them convince you otherwise. I am with you and fight for you and protect you. If it is my will that governs your life, then you need not question where you belong. I will assign you to the place I have most need of you. I am the God of the Universe and I am on your side. What or whom do you fear? If I want or the situation requires you to speak words, then know I will give them to you. Living my love is a more difficult task than speaking of it. I delight in those of my children whose desire is to live it instead of talk it. All is well.

Betrayed

Yesterday was one of those really hard days for me when I was angry and upset with almost everyone. It seemed to me then that I had been betrayed by those from whom I was most counting on for support.
I re-read some of my handwritten journal posts and realize that this is something I have also done before and in much the same manner. I get hurt or angered by someone and I verbally abuse them--in my heart and mind and soul, but never out loud.
I always feel so bad when I do this and later must ask for forgiveness and healing. I wonder how much damage I do to myself and to those to whom I direct these thoughts.
So now we must consider the betrayal. Was I truly betrayed? I was in a meeting with others and I was the only one who spoke out about some things that all had expressed concerns about previously. I think it made me sound bitter and petty. Then I have to wonder if I am bitter and petty and have to believe that I was-- at least yesterday.
Today I spent more time alone with you, Lord, seeking absolution for my rage and hatred at those whom I feel betrayed me. I have to wonder how you actually felt love and forgiveness towards your betrayers?
Thank you for my friends and family and please bless them with something special, Lord.

My beloved child, be at peace. You agonized over this meeting for too long and were expecting too much of others. Do not feel bad over the lack of boldness on their part to speak out. So often in this world, I lack a spokesperson. There were injustices committed and injustices are still being committed. Your job is to love. I know this is a most difficult task--especially for one who has asked me to send down fire and brimstone on those who hurt you--:) but you must love all. Love those who fret you and those who do not. The way to victory is gained by loving, especially, those who fret you. So, this night, I want you to let go of your hurts and anguishes. Give them to me to deal with and trust that I will deal with them. I am for you. You need not fear letting me handle this for you. I know their hearts and minds better than you. I will deal with it and all will be well. All is well. Do not be afraid for I am with you and in you and for you.

My Lord, thank you for being there for me. Thank you for upholding me with the right hand of your rightousness and for forgiving me my failures and faults. I know I must forgive others when their failures and faults cause me pain because mine have so often caused you pain. Yet you hold me in tender love and wash my guilt away in the blood of your sacrifice. How I love you Lord and long to love you even more. Please be with me in ever fuller measure and grant me your joy.

Circle of life

It has been over a week since I have taken the time to stop and listen, writing what I am inspired to write. That is because I don't want to report on my lack of progress. I don't do what I have been asked and for that I am so very sorry. I am saying no to Jesus. How can I do such a thing? Especially when what I want is exactly where He is leading? And I wonder why He hasn't been speaking with me!! He is calling me to something and I have been avoiding Him. Forgive me once again, my Lord.

I have realized this before but again today when I was walking the dogs, it came to me that I have been walking in the same small area my whole entire life. My childhood was spent playing where I now walk. It looked different then, of course, but it's the same place.

When I was younger, in third grade, my parents bought a home in a new subdivision in our community. It was out of a bluff, covered with sagebrush; overlooking the river with the mountains in the background. There were three families who bought the first homes out there--quite a distance at that time--from where the homes were built to the downtown area. The road home was cut in the dirt, just sort of a meandering route from the existing roads through the sagebrush and rock to the new house. The "road" was slimey and slick when it was wet.
Below the houses on the bluff were stones, some cut like steps onto a rock projection. A wonderful old dump was below that. It was full of items left from an earlier day. Just left there or thrown out because no one wanted it anywhere else. There were no landfill rules at that time and often junk cars and other metal things were used for fill or to stop erosion along the river bank. Using old cars in the river was a sad thing to do and I delighted when cars could no longer be used for bank revetment. The dump is gone now, or rather covered up and grown over, left for some future generation to excavate.
There was a new golf course on the other side of the railroad tracks which cut a thin line through my childhood playground. Because the river and ditch headgates were also in the area, there were several railway bridges spanning the swampy areas. If you walked far enough north, the largest bridge spanned the main branch of the river itself. When I was a child, it seemed like a very far distance to the main river. I walk it now with regularity and it is not the huge distance I had once supposed it to be.

At any rate, today I have had cause to ponder. Have I have been walking the same route throughout my life because I have not yet learned the lessons I should have learned? Perhaps I am in some endless loop where I spend my life walking the same route over and over. Always seeing a little different view, and perhaps learning something different each day, but still in the same place, physically, because I just haven't "gotten it" yet. However, I am still constrained to walk the same route each day because I haven't applied what I have learned on those walks?

If you looked through my photo albums, you could find a photo of the same view as the one above but in a different month or day. I'm sure I have enough photos of the same place to make a calendar. It could probably be used as a pretty good record of the temperatures of the place.

Maybe everyone has to circle through their lives, learning something new about themselves or their world each day. I don't know if my journey through life is so boring and so routine, or whether I'm missing out on something. Oh Lord, please help me to figure this out.

My sweet child. I love you so very much. Yes, quite often I have to repeat and repeat a lesson because you just don't get it. But you are not stuck in an endless loop. Rather you have come full circle. You began your awareness of me in this place you now walk. If you will remember, those were quiet times when I was in your soul, calling you to me. You were a child then and as you grew and did go different places and take other routes you often forgot the lessons learned from your quiet time with me. You often forgot me.
But, now in your mature years, you come back to the same place. Finding me in your daily walks is sufficient for where you walk. You talk with me now as you did then, and it gladdens me. I miss you when you do not take the time to visit with me.
I do need you to apply in your daily life what we talk about on our walks. I need you to be more obedient to me when I ask you to do something. You feel a wonderful and intimate knowledge of me but sometimes you forget that I am God. Lord of your life and your Supreme Commander. You often think of my commands as "requests," which may be refused. Yes, I am your friend, your savior, your lover. But I am also your God. Know that when I command you to something, I am your God and I expect obedience from you. You get away with much as a friend. Do not take your friendship with me for granted.
But you also know my tender forgiveness of your faults and failings. You know I love you with an everlasting love. Just remember to keep me always in the forefront of your day. If you live with me--a true abiding--then you will have no problem being obedient. You allow yourself to be talked out of doing my bidding because you doubt me.
Do this and all will be well. All is well. Continue to work for me and with me and in me and I shall work for you and with you and in you. It's really very cool. You'll like it. Go in peace.