Circle of life

It has been over a week since I have taken the time to stop and listen, writing what I am inspired to write. That is because I don't want to report on my lack of progress. I don't do what I have been asked and for that I am so very sorry. I am saying no to Jesus. How can I do such a thing? Especially when what I want is exactly where He is leading? And I wonder why He hasn't been speaking with me!! He is calling me to something and I have been avoiding Him. Forgive me once again, my Lord.

I have realized this before but again today when I was walking the dogs, it came to me that I have been walking in the same small area my whole entire life. My childhood was spent playing where I now walk. It looked different then, of course, but it's the same place.

When I was younger, in third grade, my parents bought a home in a new subdivision in our community. It was out of a bluff, covered with sagebrush; overlooking the river with the mountains in the background. There were three families who bought the first homes out there--quite a distance at that time--from where the homes were built to the downtown area. The road home was cut in the dirt, just sort of a meandering route from the existing roads through the sagebrush and rock to the new house. The "road" was slimey and slick when it was wet.
Below the houses on the bluff were stones, some cut like steps onto a rock projection. A wonderful old dump was below that. It was full of items left from an earlier day. Just left there or thrown out because no one wanted it anywhere else. There were no landfill rules at that time and often junk cars and other metal things were used for fill or to stop erosion along the river bank. Using old cars in the river was a sad thing to do and I delighted when cars could no longer be used for bank revetment. The dump is gone now, or rather covered up and grown over, left for some future generation to excavate.
There was a new golf course on the other side of the railroad tracks which cut a thin line through my childhood playground. Because the river and ditch headgates were also in the area, there were several railway bridges spanning the swampy areas. If you walked far enough north, the largest bridge spanned the main branch of the river itself. When I was a child, it seemed like a very far distance to the main river. I walk it now with regularity and it is not the huge distance I had once supposed it to be.

At any rate, today I have had cause to ponder. Have I have been walking the same route throughout my life because I have not yet learned the lessons I should have learned? Perhaps I am in some endless loop where I spend my life walking the same route over and over. Always seeing a little different view, and perhaps learning something different each day, but still in the same place, physically, because I just haven't "gotten it" yet. However, I am still constrained to walk the same route each day because I haven't applied what I have learned on those walks?

If you looked through my photo albums, you could find a photo of the same view as the one above but in a different month or day. I'm sure I have enough photos of the same place to make a calendar. It could probably be used as a pretty good record of the temperatures of the place.

Maybe everyone has to circle through their lives, learning something new about themselves or their world each day. I don't know if my journey through life is so boring and so routine, or whether I'm missing out on something. Oh Lord, please help me to figure this out.

My sweet child. I love you so very much. Yes, quite often I have to repeat and repeat a lesson because you just don't get it. But you are not stuck in an endless loop. Rather you have come full circle. You began your awareness of me in this place you now walk. If you will remember, those were quiet times when I was in your soul, calling you to me. You were a child then and as you grew and did go different places and take other routes you often forgot the lessons learned from your quiet time with me. You often forgot me.
But, now in your mature years, you come back to the same place. Finding me in your daily walks is sufficient for where you walk. You talk with me now as you did then, and it gladdens me. I miss you when you do not take the time to visit with me.
I do need you to apply in your daily life what we talk about on our walks. I need you to be more obedient to me when I ask you to do something. You feel a wonderful and intimate knowledge of me but sometimes you forget that I am God. Lord of your life and your Supreme Commander. You often think of my commands as "requests," which may be refused. Yes, I am your friend, your savior, your lover. But I am also your God. Know that when I command you to something, I am your God and I expect obedience from you. You get away with much as a friend. Do not take your friendship with me for granted.
But you also know my tender forgiveness of your faults and failings. You know I love you with an everlasting love. Just remember to keep me always in the forefront of your day. If you live with me--a true abiding--then you will have no problem being obedient. You allow yourself to be talked out of doing my bidding because you doubt me.
Do this and all will be well. All is well. Continue to work for me and with me and in me and I shall work for you and with you and in you. It's really very cool. You'll like it. Go in peace.

My disobedience

I have been so disobedient, Lord. Please forgive me. It is an addiction that I must overcome in order to be more loving to you and to all people. I heard you clearly urge me to come and sit and write tonight. Yet I decided to just watch one more program on the television and then I fell asleep during it.
How very sad for me, Lord. For I have hurt you deeply by my refusal to listen to you and by my insistence on wasting my time before the television.
Please, Lord. Forgive me once again and help me to overcome this addiction. It must be the same for my husband who is addicted to booze or for anyone addicted to pills. Oh Lord. Please strengthen me so that I realize how very much I disappoint you and hurt you when I disobey you like that. Let me love you more and more so that I never want to hurt you and will do anything to not hurt you.
I need you so much and I need to be able to call upon you in situations like those of today when I was hurt by my coworkers and instead of praying for them I resorted to wishing them ill. I justified their beliefs in me by my actions immediately following their rudeness.
I will need your help and guidance that I may show them you tomorrow instead of my pitiful self. Oh Lord. I am so sorry for this and all my neglects of your commands this day. Please allow me to hear you ever more clearly and to act immediately on your requests and commands instead of putting it off like a wilful and disobedient child.
I am ashamed of my actions following the ill will of my coworkers. I did exactly what they were laughting about behind my back just because I knew that is what they were laughing about. It was an "Ok, I'll show them." How very sad for me and also for them.
Lord, please show me how to handle this. Please help me to cut through the crap and expose their actions as well as my own in this matter.
You know, when I began this venture, I did so because I want to work for you. Just for you. Yet my actions and inactions of this day show me that I am a poor worker indeed and have much to learn if I want to be your employee.
Please forgive me Lord and inspire me with the correct course of action for tomorrow; the course of action you would have me take as your employee. As I sleep this night, please show me what I should do because I am working for you.

Today's rant

It has been several days since I have taken the time to write. My son's dog is lying beside me tonight and it comforts my heart to know the dog is safe. I pray that my son and his wife are safe as well.
I spent the weekend with my other son and his family and my daughter and her family. I adore spending time with the granchildren and my children. How I wish I had spent more time with my children as they were growing up. I look at my children and how they prioritize their time and realize they learned much of it from me. I try to tell them to not do as I did, but to just enjoy those sweet children as much as they can. Ah, but it seems to them as it did to me that they must do other things first. I would do it much differently if I could go back. Maybe that is one of the joys of being a grandparent. You get to treat your grandchildren as you should have treated your children.

I suffered angst today thinking of several things I let perturb me. First there is the possible marriage of a friend to someone by whom I feel threatened. I guess I feel threatened because she gets the things I have always wanted for myself from this friend. It is selfish of me, especially given the fact that I have my own life and could not share those things with my friend anyway. But I still resent it, at times anyway. I try to be generous when I realize how selfish I have been. My prayer for this friend has been first of all that he be shown true love--as God meant it to be and secondly that what happens is for the best for him. It disturbs me that what I think is best for him and what God thinks is best for him are often not the same thing.
Anyway, I have suffered today thinking that he might come back from his trip married to her. I pray that if that happens that God will allow me to finally move on to other things.

I also suffer angst when I realize my husband has been drinking again. He is an alcoholic. He was sober for many years but has fallen off the wagon and cannot or will not get sober again. I really do not like him much as a drunk and don't know what to do about it. I guess I know that nothing I do will change the situation. I have tried it all--silence, threatening, cajoling and nothing works.
He has to want to change and I guess that means I must change the things about myself that he dislikes and feels he has to drink to tolerate.

So, there is my day, Lord. Please offer to me your insights and advice that I may do your will.

My sweet one--thank you for sharing your day with me. I missed you when you did not take time to share with me. I know your children and granchildren were with you and I know you see me in them and I love that time. Yet, I love this time, too, when we are alone and can share our innermost thoughts and feelings with one another.
Once again I implore you to not fear anything--even the possible marriage of your friend. Know that I am with you in all things and if that comes about, I will grant you the graces you need to get through it. You needn't fear anything. I am with you and for you and in you--the God of the Universe. There is no situation you need to fear. I have taken the sting out of it, haven't I? Do you trust me to give you your heart's desire as I have promised? If you do, then do not fear. You may not understand or recognize your heart's desire as I do, but know that I will do the best for you, too. I love you and want only the best for you.
I need you to resume working on the things I have shared with you. You must get your office in shape and begin an exercise program. I have need of you and you must be ready.
I forgive you your faults and failings this day. Strive tomorrow to do better. You are mine and I love you with an everlasting love.

Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings. Thank you for the blessing of my husband and grant to him the graces he needs. He can be such a great person when he is not consumed by his desire for alcohol. Forgive me for anything I have done or not done to enable his drinking. Thank you for the blessing of my children and granchildren. Thank you for answering my prayers. Help me to know and do your will. I love you, sweet Jesus. I do so want to work for you. Show me how.
I do trust you. Help me to love you more and more each day.

The Lesson

Right from the beginning, I felt guilty. I felt guilty about losing the dog in the first place. I felt guilty about not doing what you had asked of me, Lord, earlier in the day. Then, I felt guilty about asking for your help for a dog.
As I was searching through the novena book, I realized just how selfish my prayers were when people throughout the world had so much more serious problems than I did. But my heart was breaking for my son, who has sacrificed so much. I didn't want him to have to sacrifice his dog, too. It was strictly a mother thing and I did ask your mother for help as well. I was reminded at one point during my agonizing of the wedding feast at Cana and how your mother had asked you to help with more wine. A similar situation, I rationalized to myself.
And it was during the recitation of the prayer at one point that I heard you very clearly in my heart:

Last night you saw me as the Good Shepherd going after the one lost sheep. I know how desperate you feel. I feel this desperate many times in searching for lost souls. Please help me find them.

So I altered my prayer with St. Jude to include the soul you were so desperate to save yesterday and I know it worked. I do not know who was saved or where or even if I know them personally. But I know you know and that is enough for me. You are as desperate to save souls as I was to rescue my son's dog and it is for the same reason--love.
You let me feel just a little tiny bit of what you feel for us. And you also showed me that no concern of my heart is too small or insignificant. I can ask your help and that of your angels and saints and even your mother if need be and for love of you and your love of me, they will help.

I am so thankful for your help Lord. Please thank all of them for me. I especially thank St. Jude for prayers answered and do hereby publish my thanks. I will also publish my thanks in the newspaper. And because I had resolved to continue the novena prayer for the nine days--even though the dog has been safely returned--I will now make the lost souls you are so desperate to save the primary focus of my prayers.

Oh, if I would be this diligent in my prayers each day how much could I help you accomplish, Lord. Please grant to me the graces I need to become a prayer force for you. Let me spend as much time praying for the concerns of your heart as I spend praying for my own concerns.

Child--you are mine. Because you are mine, I will give to you the answer to your prayers. It may seem silly to many to pray for a resolution to a problem such as a lost dog. But know that I am the God of the Universe. I do care about every creature in it. Thank you for your help with those lost to me. Thank you for believing me. You struggled with your doubts about the wisdom of praying for the safe return of a dog. But the fact that you considered prayer to be a course of action speaks to the core belief of your heart. Know that I will always answer such sweet requests. I love you. Do not be afraid. All is very well.

The Good Shepherd and a Novena

After pouring my heart out over losing the dog, I went to bed and tried to sleep. I repeatedly "gave" the situation to you, knawing at it like a dog knawing a bone. Even though my intentions were good, I couldn't really let go of it. I would drift in and out of sleep, tossing and turning each time I again "gave" the situation to you.
In one of those "on the verge of sleep moments" where I am not really awake but experience a dreamlike state, I saw you carrying a lost lamb. I was instantly reminded of the story of the good shepherd and how you would leave the 99 sheep safely tucked in and go in search of the lost one. I was comforted by that. Thank you.
I wish I could say that when I awoke that morning I felt as if I could leave the situation in your most capable hands and go about my business. My husband is an early riser. It was still dark when he got up and noticed the dog was gone. I told him I had let the dog out and then drove for over an hour scouring the streets for the missing pet but without luck. It didn't take much for him to press my "guilt" buttons and I went out again to look for the dog.
But I still couldn't find the animal and fought to hold back my tears. I stopped by to visit you in the tabernacle, once again "giving" the situation to you and begging for your assistance and finally letting the tears flow. I kept telling myself that it was ok because you were in control.
When I left you, I knew that even though you told me "all is well," I had to "help" and resolved to ask St. Jude to pray with me for the safe return of the dog.
I love asking my friends, the saints and angels, to pray with me for my current concern. I have a beautiful novena book with short biographies of the saints, beautiful pictures and prayers to offer with each saint for the successful resolution of a problem. I ask help of all of them at different times and for different problems. I have always been drawn closer to you God through the novena prayers and have experienced many miracles.
Because I was feeling frantic and thought the situation needed immediately resolved, I vowed to do what I call an emergency novena. Normally a novena is prayed over a nine day span, but an emergency novena is prayed over a nine hour span. So every hour for nine hours, I asked your help and the help of St. Jude in getting my son's dog back. The prayers took about 15 minutes each hour. I thought St. Jude was the appropriate one to ask because he is the patron saint of desperate or impossible causes. I could conceive of no way to tell my son I had lost his dog while he was away fighting in a war and I was very desperate.
It seems every time I pray a novena, I not only get a resolution to my problem, you also use it to teach me a spirtual lesson. I'll cover that in a different post and finish detailing the saga of the lost dog in this post.
I was calmer when I returned home last night after having completed the novena. All day yesterday I kept hoping that I would receive a call from someone letting me know the dog had been found, but no such call came. I was resolved to continue the novena for eight days if necessary. When I reviewed the novena book--entitled Novena, The Power of Prayer by Barbara Calamari and Sandra DiPasqua--and discovered an actual emergency novena prayer to the Infant of Prague, so I asked for help from the Infant and from the infant's Mother.
I slept better last night, but when I got up this morning I knew I had to ask for more help. So I asked you Jesus for help from not only your mother and St. Jude, but also from St. Michael and my guardian angel and other saints I have prayed with before. It was like a heavenly search party all out looking for my son's dog. So many different scenarios kept running through my mind. I was so frantic because local law enforcement had not seen the dog. I was oh-so-willing to pay the dog catcher fine and fee and kept checking with them to see if the dog had been found.
At some point today, I knew I would eventually find out what had become of the dog even if it wasn't a happy resolution. I accepted your will, Lord, in the matter and went about the business of the day.
Not too long after that the local law did contact my husband to let him know they had impounded the dog earlier today. The dog was fine--glad to be home and maybe not so anxious to run off.
It was a miracle and I thank everyone who participated in the search. Others might call it a coincidence. I know it was a miracle.

The Lost Dog

Now that I have a forum for expressing myself, I cannot seem to find the words. I am sitting here in the middle of the night because I cannot sleep. I am worried about my son's dog. My son is in Iraq and I am responsible for the dog. The dog has escaped and I cannot find him. I spent over an hour driving the streets of my community searching for the dog. Please, Lord, let the dog be safe and return to us so that when my son comes home his dog will be waiting for him.
I know I have disappointed you this day by my failure to do the things you ask of me and by my failure to do good. Even the good I do has been done poorly and for all this I ask your forgiveness. I pray that my weaknesses and failings will be forgiven and healed that I might be a better servant for you. Please, Lord, bring the dog safely home so I don't disappoint my son.
It is interesting, isn't it, that I am more worried this night about disappointing my son than I am of disappointing you? It should be just the opposite. I should be trembling with fear and awe that I have disappointed you this day by my disobedience and failures. Perhaps my insomnia is a manifestation of that fear of the Lord?? What is going on with me tonight? Please, Lord, return my son's dog safely to us so that the dog will be here waiting for him when he returns from the war.

Oh, sweet one. Know that I am with you in all things. There is no reason to fear. I love you and want only what is good for you and what is the best for you. Yes, I am disappointed in you this day. You have not done as I have asked you and it saddens me. I have so much to offer you and will do so. But you must learn to listen to the still small voice in order that you might know what my will is for you. You have much to learn in this regard and I long to teach you that you might have life to the full. So, when you don't do as I ask, you are hurting yourself, delaying the progress you might make in becoming fulfilled. I do truly want what is best for you. Do you believe this? If you do, you would make more of an effort to do the things I ask of you. My burden is not heavy and I share it with you. I love you. Try now to get some sleep. Trust me in the matter of the dog. At this point, you can do nothing about the dog. Give the matter to me--really give it to me in your heart and mind and soul and know that I will deal with it in the best manner possible. Tell me you trust me in this and all will be well.

Lord, I trust you in the matter of my son's dog. I give it to you, knowing only you can do something about it at this point. I know that you will do what is best and I thank you for that. I also thank you and praise you that you have given my son the protection he needs in this time of armed conflict. I pray that you will continue to guard and guide him and that you send angels to watch over him and his beloved wife. Thank you, Lord, for your forgiveness of my failings and weaknesses and for not holding them against me. I trust in you, Lord. I thank you and praise you for my insomnia this night as I was able to come and write whereas before I didn't think I could find the words to express myself. You are a wonderful God and I am so blessed that you have chosen me and called me by name. Thank you. I love you.

The Beginning

Well, I've gone and done it. My thoughts are usually quite personal to me, so sharing them with the world at large was a big step for me. I have felt called to write for some time, however. So bear with me until I get the hang of it and we'll see how it goes.

It's going to be just fine. I have wanted you to do this for some time because I think you have something special to share with the world, yet getting it out of you has been difficult--to say the least. You could have done better today in thinking of me and talking to me about your daily duties, but I am pleased you have started our blog. I know we have made big plans for the new year and I hope you will remember to take it on a daily basis, doing as I ask of you each day and ideally, each moment. Remember, you now work for me and this is part of the work I ask of you. I will guide and guard what you put on this page, but your readers must know that you are writing what I am telling you to write.
I am Jesus Christ, your King and Savior. Share with the world how I have loved you and saved you. That is the purpose of your writing here. You have been keeping a journal for many years of our conversations. Now is the time for you to share it with others.

Thank you so much for this day and for the blessings you have imparted to me. You take such good care of me. Let this work be done according to your will and with the humility and love you want to show the world.

You have other work to do this day. Beginning the blog was one duty among many and you still have work to do. Post the material so that the work here may begin and then go about my other business. You must get the office ready for our work. That is your unfinished task.