Dec.25th--The Mass of Christ

Thanks be to God for He as given us the Christ. You give us such wonderous gifts each day. Thank you my God and my King for all you do. Thank you for the gift of Your Son and for the Gift of Your Holy Spirit and for the gift of Mary and all the saints.
Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for my job and my co-workers. Thank you, God for the gift of time and help me to use my time more wisely and for you.
I love you.

3rd saturday of advent--hanging in

Almost there. Almost at the day when the Light has come into the world. Forgive me for not preparing my heart better to receive you.

3rd Friday of Advent--Disappointment

Even though this picture was taken last Sunday, the amount of snow has not diminished. In fact, we got another 9 to 10 inches on Wednesday, so we will definitely be having a white Christmas.
I got word tonight that the kids definitely will not make it for the holiday. My daughter and her family will be here, but my son and his family will not.
I am thankful that one of my children can be here, of course and relieved that my son's family will not be at risk out on roads that are treacherous at best, but my disappointment at not having the little kids here is acute.
My husband and I had a huge fight tonight when I got home. I was angry because he was drunk by 4:30 when I called. I did everything they say you shouldn't do beginning with the first thing...never argue with a drunk. We both said things I know we don't mean but I really have a hard time with his drunkeness.
How do I find Christ in all of this? Where is he to be found in disappointment and drunkeness? I know you must be here with me in all of this. It is just so hard to focus in on you. I feel like you must be there.....through the fog as in some of the other pictures taken this week, but right now it is so difficult to find you.
I also didn't make the store Christmas party for the first time in many years. It was always so special to me and I used to try to make it even at the expense of my family. But this year, it didn't seem important at all while family matters were of the utmost extreme importance.
Truth be told, I am not prepared for comany this weekend anyway. I have so much to do that I didn't get done and now that they aren't coming anyway, I have just quit working on these things and will try again tomorrow.

3rd Thursday of Advent--Disappointment

I know this is not what you want from me-- a blind stumbling to you for a draft version with the date on it, but it's all I am managing to get to you right now. I hope to be able to do more at some other time.
I have not been doing as I think I should be doing and that I know is cause for disappointment. I wonder if your disappointment in me and mine in my husband are somehow related?? It sure seems that when I try to do better and work and struggle with my own faults and failings that his seem less important to me.

3rd Wednesday of Advent--Snow time

Snow snow and more snow. The region is shut down because of a huge blizzard. The kids may not be able to get here and that disappoints me. I know it is silly for them to hazard their lives by coming and it is that dangerous out there. As my husband has said, it's not that he thinks our son is a danger, but there is no controlling what other people may do and how they react to less than ideal driving circumstances.
But, I am disappointed. I had so wanted to share this Christmas with them. I don't know when we will be able to get together and that is not like Christmas at all.
This is the same picture I used a couple of days ago, but cropped. Looking closely through the fog, you can see geese sitting on the ice.

2rd Tuesday of Advent--Crunch time

I am trying to be joyful, indeed have been joyful for the past two days. My husband is beginning to fall again. He quits drinking for a couple of weeks and then starts to drink every day. Every day he drinks more and more. He works hard and he does so much that I wonder why he feels he has to become a different person by drinking, drinking and more drinking.
It saddens me so.

3rd Monday of Advent--Lattice work

This morning dawned so cold it was crisp when you breathed. I tried to capture the coldness of it and the crispness of it in this photo which reminded me at once of the lattice work of God. It was one of those moments when I knew that the Lord had been telling me to take the photo and also what to name it. The frost is thick on these branches providing a mosaic of coldness that is nearly palpable.
I did feel joyful this morning. It was wonderful news to me to hear that my son and his family will be able to make it for Christmas.I am thrilled and hope to give them true gifts of love while they are here. That is my prayer, Lord and my hope.

Joy Sunday of Advent

This is the third Sunday of Advent--the joy Sunday. Be joyful is the command today, for the Lord draweth nigh.
It continued to snow today and we have over a foot, at least 18" laying on the ground.
I spent the day watching the Lord of the Rings series....I don't know why when I had so much to do. It was as if the Lord said, "Take the day off..." and I guess I did.
I haven't yet felt the joy that I should be feeling and I am hoping it will come. I also hope I don't feel the terrible desolation I have felt Christmases past when I was sorely disappointed. I was focused on the wrong things and got laid flat by the disappointment. But I am hoping this year I will find joy in the season and be uplifted by a better attitude.

2nd Saturday of Advent--Blessing our enemies

Snow today and much shopping. I went to confession but forgot to ask what to do when my prayers for blessing are answered and I get angry about that.
And then I read the answer in my prayer books. The answer is that we can pour out material blessings on all, but the blessings of our love and understanding are poured out as God wills. The material blessings granted to those for whom we pray are like it raining on just and unjust. Those things are not worth the fretting it has caused.
The real secret to holiness is to want to pour out spiritual blessings on those we will. Being able to will that is indeed a victory over the enemies of envy and jealousy.

2nd Friday of Advent--Angel wings

My husband went with me tonight to see the movie, "The Nativity." I liked it very much and he didn't mind it. It brings to life the story of my Lord and why we are celebrating this season. I have so much to do to prepare but many of my preparations seem so worldly. I must try to focus on the reason for the season as the popular saying goes and prepare for the Lord's coming... in my heart and mind and soul.

I picked this image to include with this day's writings because it reminded me of an angel--wings spread and watching over me and my husband as we enjoyed the spring day last year. It was a delightful day and we had gone to a high mountain reservoir so he could do some fishing. While he was fishing, I was photographing things around us and this one picture didn't seem to stand out then, but it did today when I was looking for a photo to include with this day's writings. Thank you, Lord, for that day and also for this day. May I try to accomplish what you would have me do.

2nd Thursday of Advent--Struggleing

This day I must really spend some time just writing for you. I hope to get back here later and will try to gift you with something special.
But I didn't make it back to write anything more and indeed spent time again doing things other than what the Lord is asking of me. Why do I find it so difficult to simply do as I think the Lord is asking me to do? Why do I let my bad habits control my life? I don't want to and indeed would like to have the Lord so totally in control of my life that everything I think, do and say is for you. But so often I just allow myself and my bad habits to resume their control of my life. I will work on correcting that.

2nd Wednesday of Advent--Struggling

Hello my Lord and Friend,
The thought today is how I learn to handle your generous blessings to others and not feel jealous? It seems so silly to me at times that I on the one hand ask you to bless and help people I know and love and then when you do, I feel somehow cheated that I have not been given the same blessings.
This is something I have struggled with for quite some time.

I feel you are testing me when this happens. I ask you to bless someone because I am havng trouble with them for some reason or another. You do bless them and abundantly and generously and then I am miffed because you pour your blessings out in such measure as to make me somewhat envious. I wonder if they would have recieved the blessings if I had not asked and so ponder not asking you to bless them.

I also think that maybe this allows me to be a part, although just a teeny tiny part of your plan. If the blessings are poured out because I do ask, wow!! That is awesome and makes me want to go around blessing people all the time, or at least most of the time. I guess my problem here is that I struggle with those people and when they are blessed so abundantly I feel slighted. I know I must work on this to be truly your disciple.

I haven't had a chance to get out and get anything photographed since Sunday, so I am using pictures from my collection.

2nd Tuesday of Advent--A questioning moment

This day began with me wanting to do better. I resolved to trust God about whether my son and his family will be joining us for Christmas. My husband is drinking daily again and I am troubled by it, even though he is making a greater effort to control his addiction, he is still an addict.
I am slipping back into my daily addictions, also, of watching television as soon as I come home from work. I must remember that my duty is to work on my own addictions. I was so delighted about my husband when he wasn't drinking and now he is back at it. I guess I need to still trust in the Lord and still work on my own addictions.

2nd Monday of Advent--Snowy day

Today it snowed for the first time in over a month. It was nice to see the whiteness cover over the brown blahness that had been most of November.
I was busy today at work, helping people with their packages. My husband was drinking again tonight when I got home. Just a day. I was so angry with my daughter-in-law tongiht. She doesn't want to share Christmas, and only wants to spend it with her family, even though she lives within a mile of her mother.

2nd Sunday of Advent--Clearing Obstacles

The readings at Mass today call for us to make straight the path...into our hearts. Father explained that we must remove the obstacles blocking access into our hearts before the Lord comes so that he might enter easily into our hearts, our lives.
At first I thought it just a regular Advent homily, but as I began thinking more on it, I was reminded of that day a number of years ago when I had prepared for another parishoner an ornament to put upon the tree--a barren tree such as the one I photographed today. The person for whom I had prepared it, rejected it and me in such a way as to embarrass me totally and send me running from church because I was bawling such great gouts of pain. That was one of the most painful moments I can ever remember and no doubt one of the five unforgiven things that is obstructing the path into my heart.
As I was walking today, I realized that the Lord had asked me to present the gifts with this person, but at the time, it was only on the periphery of my mind and thoughts. I asked another friend instead to join me in this honor. I ask forgiveness for not listening to the Lord as he was going to make the path straight by giving me this gift. Help me to better hear you, my Lord, that I might never cause such pain to anyone as I experienced on that day. If I have indeed caused pain to this person, I ask that you exchange the pain for a blessing for them. Forgive me for wanting him to experience such agony as I felt that day. As I recall, I did ask such a thing in my anguish--that you would allow him to feel the agony of my heart and I also think I asked that you sunder his relationship with another and even maybe asked that you send lightening bolts down upon them....such was my agony.
On this day, however, I did not suffer any anguish and only came later to recognize that I was being asked to bring forth the gifts with that person. Perhaps I need to extend my forgiveness to the person for the pain caused so long ago--I do forgive him as it probably didn't occur to him that he was causing me such anguish.
I am trying to remove the obstacles placed in front of the path into my heart that the Lord may come directly in when he arrives. I hope this journey of painful reminders is part of that process and offer to the Lord my thanks and praise for all his gifts. I also ask that I hear again in the depths of my heart and soul the requests that I didn't listen to today so as not to miss the opportunity to move forward from the place of pain.

Advent Day 7--Giving

Today some friends gave me a painting done a number of years ago by a local artisan. They drove many miles to give the painting to me and asked that I find a home for it. I have no idea if the painting is of high value or not but the artisan is well known locally, mostly for her landscapes. This was a portrait of someone locally, she looked vaguely familiar, but still unknown.
I considered finding a home for the painting at my home but then the Spirit's still small voice was heard and I gave it to the museum, which it turns out has quite a collection by this same artist.
It reminded me of how much the Lord gives to us each day and many times we are so unaware of his generosity. How does this happen that the God of the Universe can give so much to us each day--including his only son--and we are totally unaware of these gifts--often thinking that we are the generous ones?
It turns out that my friends are the generous ones and that I am merely a conduit--a channel whereby their gift can reach others. I guess the same might be said of all I do or think or say. I am merely the conduit for God's generosity and gifts, allowing it to pass through me to the ones to whom it should belong or those to whom the message needs to be heard. I can claim nothing in these matters--not generosity or wisdom or anything else. The Giver is who needs to be thanked and acknowledged, not the mechanism by which the gift was passed along.

Advent Day Six--Feast of Immaculate Conception

When I awoke this morning, I was tired even though I had slept fairly well. I have been trying to fast on Wednesdays and Fridays and so began this day with fasting in mind.
Fasting has become important to me even though it is something I apparently need to practice practice practice in order to be able to do it well, I guess. I perhaps need to practice in order to be able to do it at all. At any rate, as the day went on, it became apparent to me that I wasn't going to fast as I had hoped and planned. Just too many little inconsistencies throughout the day caused me to forget to deny myself. So at lunchtime I had lunch and asked the Lord to forgive me for not holding to my fast this day.
As usual, I was feeling guilty about breaking the fast. I was still feeling that way when I went to Mass to celebrate the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. As I was leaving Mass, Father wished me a Happy Feast Day! It then occured to me that the reason I couldn't fast was because it was a feast day and Blessed Mother wanted me to feast on this special day instead of fast. Talk about an awesome recognition of the Lord!! It was so special to me to know first of all that they desired me to enjoy myself on the Feast Days of the church, secondly that it is by grace that I am able to complete my fasts on those days I commit to doing so and thirdly that if I had left right after communion as I was tempted to do that I would have missed the blessing of knowing and recognizing the Lord in that moment.

Advent Day Five--A Reminder of Traditional Moments

As this day dawned, I began to prepare for the funeral of a dear lady friend. She was 89 and it was her time to rejoin you. How delightful that she will be welcomed into your kingdom, for I am sure she is there.
Her faith and mine assure me that we will be in heaven withyou once our earthly journey is done.
I know I saw you this day in the Eucharist and the celebration of Mass. It was a wonderful reminder to me that when I am having difficulty finding you, I need to seek you in the sanctuary where I know I will find you and in the sacrifice you made for my friend and for me and for all of us.
How can we not relish those moments? I have so often neglected you by not thinking of you during your sacrifice and what is supposed to be my worship of you. I don't want that to happen any more. I want to be so in love with you that I cannot wait to see you and that I seek always to find you in each experience.
As I think of you today, I am reminded of all you would have me be and of all you would like me to do. I thank you for your many gifts and ask that you guide me in what I am to do for you.

Advent Day Four--Worrisome moment

I am so tired but need to just take a moment here to tell you how much I love you, my Lord and my God. You are so awesome to me. I thank you for my husband and pray you will do what is best for him. Take care of him...he is precious to me.
Today I began not knowing what to do because of my anger at my husband last night. He had been excessively drinking again. You reminded me that I need to work on my own problems and not focus on his and I am trying to do that my friend.
My anger dissipated during the day but re-emerged again this evening when I got off work and came home to find him drinking again. I just clammed up and got ready for our church group ornament exchange.
That was alot of fun. I thank you for the fellowship of our ladies group. What a wonderful group of women. Bless you my lord and king. Also bless our priests. They are so wonderful and how we appreciate them.
I guess today I saw you in the ladies and in my husband. Different aspects of you that I am not yet able to put into words.

Advent Day Three--Sheltered

I found the Lord in so many moments today. It was incredible for me to know that it was He giving me "inside information" about people I know and love. I recognized immediately it as a gift from you, my Lord and friend. It was so cool to know about a certain person's motivation here and about a possible move there. I even recognized you in my husband's drinking.
It was a reminder that I need to be about your business...doing what you would have me do and not wasting my life on meaningless things.
I have spent too much time doing the things I need to recover from and I don't need to spend time worrying about whether or not my husband will manage to overcome his addictions. I need to work on my own faults and failings. The reminder from you, however, was much needed and I thank you for it. I also thank you for the moment of feeling sheltered.
The moment came during my walk as I was wondering what to give you today. As I walked, I remembered this shelter house. I recognized you in the moment you chose my route for me today, as I normally do not walk past this historic monument. The shelter it provided to travelers past and the shelter you provide me daily give warmth and comfort to any day and I thank you for your sheltering love and care of me. Thank you so much for this day and for the moments of finding you in it and in all.

Advent day two--A forgotten moment

I began the day with high hopes for catching a glimpse of the Lord somewhere in my day. I had hoped to find him at a time when I could stop and enjoy his presence, but my day began in a rush--I got up late and had to rush through my morning prayers. I was busy at work and didn't find the time to stop and catch him in a moment when I could enjoy the moment.
So, I used a photo taken previously and find I can see him in the splendor of this magnificent sunset. Perhaps I didn't need to find him at all because he has always been there, just as he was here in this photo but I didn't recognize him at the time.
So often, I feel I must overlook him in my life and all I can do is try to do better on this journey. Thank you my Lord and God for such moments. Thank you for inspiring me at the time to catch the moment in a photo, even if I didn't recognize you at the time.

Beginning of Advent--A Hovering Moment

The first day of Advent dawned cold. The air is crisp with cold, but with no wind to diminish the warmth of the sun, today is a day of winter splendor.

I began the journey with a walk on this day, snow crunching under my winter boots. As I neared the field where I frequently walk and take photos, a plane droned overhead causing me to look up. A few more steps and I chanced to view the cloud formation hovering in the sky awaiting my notice. It was an inspired moment, one in which I stopped and recognized that it is God hovering over me, loving and protecting me. Being my friend and giving me such gifts as this moment to so astound my heart and soul.

I am so excited to be working on this gift. What wonders may arise from such moments I can only imagine. But as I was walking along, I became inspired to take photos of a proposed nature route. I feel I am being asked to do a power point presentation on the proposed route, laying out the conditions as I view them. So in that moment of simple obedience when I snapped the photo of the clouds to the moment of downloading when I wasn't sure of my choice of photos and had it selected "automatically," I find that God was hovering over me, guiding me where He would have me go. He also gave me a project to do while he and I journey this Advent. I find the whole experience wondrous and delightful.

During Advent we are encouraged to prepare for the coming of the Lord, and it now seems to me that it will be much easier to do this if we spend the time together so that we know one another. I will find Him in some moment each day and try to reflect something of what I have discovered about Him in my writings this season.