Clouds of Unknowing

"As the sun was about to set, a trance fell upon Abram, and a deep, terrifying darkness enveloped him."~ Genesis 15:12

"While he was still speaking, a cloud came and cast a shadow over them, and they became frightened when they entered the cloud."~ Luke 9:34

These two passages from today's Scripture readings both spoke to me.

In both passages, the people are enveloped by a cloud..in Abram's case a dark and terrifying one.
In the Gospel reading from Luke, a shadow is cast by the cloud, but it still frightens the Apostles Peter, James and John when they entered it.

These are all men used to working outdoors. Clouds and the darkness of storm clouds were not unfamiliar to them. Yet they were all frightened or terrified. Why?

Clearly, all of them recognized something supernatural about these particular clouds.

They recognized the presence of God. And it was frightening, even terrifying.

Putting myself on the Mount of the Transfiguration, I can sympathize with the Apostles.
Not only was Jesus there and speaking with Moses and Elijah, who were both long from this world and a voice from within the cloud was speaking to them.

They are imbued with a sensible "fear of the Lord, " I think, under those circumstances.

Abram, too, knew that the powerful Presence he sensed in the darkness that was emveloping him was God and he also had a respectable fear of the Lord.

Both moments were mountain top experiences. Moments that "sealed the deal," essentially. Moments of euphoria and covenant that they could look back upon and remind themselves that they had personal experiences with the God of the Universe.

And that He loved and cared for them and is faithful, even when they are not. Even when they are fearful and unknowing.

Praise You,  almighty God! Glory and praise to you.

Thank you, Lord!

Gluttony and Sloth

Gluttony and sloth. Those were the words that came to me when I asked the Lord for the root causes of my spiritual failures.

Two of the biggies, in terms of moral failings and I have allowed them both to overtake my life.

And even when it came to me that those were my sins, mortal sins that are endangering the health and well being of my heart and soul, I could do nothing about fixing them.
I am in the same place as people I know and love who are addicted to drugs or alcohol.

~That's because, my dear one, you can do nothing apart from me and these things are keeping you separate from me.~
So how do I break out of this rut? How do I actually accomplish what you want me to accomplish when I spend every moment doing things that I want to do?

Granted, I tell myself that I am doing my prayers or my spiritual readings in an attempt to justify those actions.

I have no justification for the amount of television and computer web sites I gluttonously consume while my home and work duties go undone.

That's the sloth part.
Oh, my Jesus. Blessed Mother, Holy Spirit, God the Father, St. Paul, Guardian Angel, St. Joseph and all the saints whom I love: Please help me.

Show me how to surrender to Your most holy and perfect will for my life. Then, please grant to me the fortitude, wisdom and strength to DO YOUR WILL.

God Almighty, Please forgive me for my disobedience, judgemental attitude and pride.

You have let me do what I want and I have deceived myself into thinking that there are no consequences.

But there are consequences, not the least of which is that the filth piles up in my heart, soul and home.

Oh, Blessed Mother! Please help me to clean house so that I am a fit abode for the Lord.

~Do not fear, my child. Over and over, I tell you not to fear. Yes, seek my mercy and love. Ask me for whatever you will and it will be granted, according to the Father's will.~

Oh, thank you, my Lord and my God. I ask for nothing but Your will to be done in my life.
Help me to do what YOU want.

I sometimes catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and wonder who that ugly and hideous person is..what has become of the beauty I have consider myself to be? How did I become so prideful in my physical attributes? Or in thinking myself so smart?

Oh, Lord. Help me. I truly give it all to you, through Blessed Mother. I don't know what or if there is anything I can do for you at this point, but I offer it anyway. The sad and pathetic person I see reflected back at myself is all I have to offer.

~Tomorrow, go to Mass. Keep holy the Sabbath. Praise Me for all things in your life. Give me thanks and praise. Do not fear. I love you.

Surrendering

"Come to me with all your weaknesses; physical, emotional and spiritual. Rest in the comfort of my presence,  remembering that nothing is impossible for me." ~ Feb. 15th meditation in "Jesus Calling," by Sarah Young

I keep struggling with the same weakness and don't seem to be able to make any progress, despite my "alleged" determination to make progress.

Alleged is in scare quotes because the level of determination on my part varies greatly, depending on my comfort level with any sacrifice that might be required.

So, when I read a meditation like the one quoted above, I wonder if I am going about it all wrong? How do I surrender those areas of most concern to me?

Those areas that I want to be good at but am clearly not?
I think I have surrendered them, but when I realize how little progress I am making, I clearly have not relinquished control.

Part of the reason is that I want those areas of my life to be better before I let  God take control, I guess.

For some reason, these weaknesses seem so petty that I am sure God doesn't want to be bothered with them.

Yet, if He wants all of me, it should include those deepest weaknesses, shouldn't it?

Or perhaps, in reading Ephesians 3:20-21, it is a failure of imagination on my part to be able to grasp what God desires of me and for me.
Lord, my God and Savior. Please help me. You know what I need. You know my deepest failures and embarrassments. You know my desires, which maybe are not your desires for me. Please show me what you desire for me and then help me to get there.
Thank you.

Dying to self

"Because he clings to me, I will deliver him." ~ Psalm 91:14

Today is the feast of St. Valentine, a third century saint who was martyred for trying to convert people to Christ.
He was willing to die, literally, if it meant that one person might come to know the mighty and all encompassing love of Christ.
In our day, the meaning of such sacrifice has been largely forgotten; replaced by boxes of chocolate and flowers, or dinner at an expensive restaurant, with nary a mention of Christ or His deep and true love for each of us.
Don't misunderstand me here: I love the flowers that my husband purchases for me on Valentines Day. They are a gift from the man who has chosen to spend his life with me and who overlooks so many of my faults.
I see Christ in him, Christ choosing to speak to me through the actions of my husband.
Yet, there is nothing in such actions of the kind of self sacrificing love exhibited by St. Valentine. Or by Christ.
While we love one another deeply, we have much to learn of true love and the freedom dying to self brings.
Lord, help me to do a better job of truly loving those whom you have given me to love. Lord, let me cling to you that you might save me.

The Jesus Question

Knarly Tree

"Then the Lord will guide you always and give you plenty even on the parched land.
He will renew your strength, and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring whose water never fails." ~ Isaiah 58:11

The Jesus question is the one that Jesus asks of all his disciples, "Who do you say that I am?"

And it is one that each of us must answer ourselves. The answer of who Jesus is to me is a question that only I can answer for myself.

I guess that is probably true of all  our relationships with others. Who a friend is to me may be different than who a friend is to another person, even though both of us may deem that person a friend. Because how we interact with our friends is a deeply personal thing.

In order to find out who Jesus is to me, I had to stop everything I was doing...all the readings and writings from others whom I consider to be wiser or better informed about Jesus. I had to sit quietly and just listen to the "small still voice within" that is Jesus to me.

Yes, Jesus is my Lord and my friend. He is the small, still quiet voice within my heart telling me what I should do in any given situation, but not demanding it of me. Just advising me that it might be a better course of action to do this rather than that. The problem I have is one that I am sure everyone also has...that of quieting the many voices in our lives to listen to the quiet voice of our Lord and Friend.

I find that I have known Him deep inside of my heart for many years..since He first called me to "come, follow me." I find that I have also ignored Him on far too many occasions. But that He still considers me to be lovable and valuable. I pray that I might become the kind of friend to Him that He has always been to me...someone whom I can count on when the "chips are down," as we say.

I will need His mercy and love to be that kind of friend to Him. In order to be at His "beck and call" I will need to be more disciplined so that I listen earnestly for His voice, so that I do not find excuses to put off what He is asking of me. I need much, my Lord and my God, my Friend.

Will You help me to become the kind of friend to You that You have always been to me? Will You help me to become one of Your most loyal and dedicated servants, one that You can call on "when the chips are down?

In answer to those questions, I was inspired to read again the Mass readings for today and the verse from Isaiah above spoke to my heart...the Lord spoke to me through His living Word, written for our edification that we might always find Him. So, I find that He not only speaks to me deep inside my heart, but also through His written Word, which makes sense because He is the Word. It tells me not to limit how or when I might hear him speaking to me..that I might find it in any number of ways.

What a blessing to be loved by such a generous, merciful and loving God. Thank you, Lord, for loving me and for calling me to be One with you and for forgiving me for all my failures of love, listening and life. Please help me to do better this day.

Our Lady of Lourdes

I read an interesting meditation on this special day when we honor Mary as Our Lady of Lourdes.
It was tied to today's first reading from the book of Deuteronomy where Moses urges his brethren and children to "Choose life...by loving the Lord, your God, heeding his voice and holding fast to him."
The author of the meditation, Sr. Bridget Haase, O.S.U. concludes that Mary did all three of those things: she loved God, surrendered to His voice and clung tightly to Him from His birth in a manger to His death on the cross.
Oh, my Lord and God. Please help me to love you beyond telling, listen to your voice and hold fast to you as we journey into the desert this Lent.

Finding Faith

"If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." ~ Matthew 17:20

In stepping out in faith on this Lenten journey into the desert, I ask You, my Lord and my God, to give me this tremendous gift of faith that I might move mountains.

At this point in time, I want to move the mountains of neglected work in my life.

But, I also envision myself doing great works in, with and through You for Your glory.
I realize that I have a great distance to travel to get to the point where I am able to accomplish such mighty works as I envision, but I also know it's not me who will accomplish these deeds, but You. You who can take my yielded will and do great things.

Help me, my God, to have the faith necessary to trust in You and Your plan for me and for this world. Please give me the gift of faith.

I am a nobody. I know this fact. So, I surrender my nothingness to you that I might become a useful tool with which You will accomplish Your will.

Thank you for Your wonderful generosity and mercy in granting me one more chance, in spite of all the times I have failed You.

Thank you for the gift of Your Blessed Mother who shows me the way to become a mighty saint who will accomplish much in, with and through You for Your great glory.

Thank you for the gift of the angels and saints You have allowed to accompany me into the desert.

I will not fear, wherever You may lead. Thank you for the grace to begin the journey.

Winter Beauty