Learning humility

Oh my Lord!

I felt so humiliated last night at a class for lectors. Today, I am humbled.

Things I thought I was doing correctly to honor you as a lector turned out to not be correct or properly done.

I felt humiliated because even though no names were named, it was obvious to those attending about whom Father was speaking.

It is a little thing and yet it has caused me no small amount of consternation.

Yet, in further contemplation, I realize it was the gentle touch of my Lord and Blessed Mother in allowing me shame that I might learn mercy and true humility of heart and mind.

Oh my Lord. I needed this lesson in humility so very much. I do want to share in your divine life and I realize now that I had to shed this attitude in order to cleanse my soul of all that is not worthy of you.

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Setting things right

"Come now, let us set things right, says the Lord." ~Isaiah 1:18

This is the verse that speaks to my heart from today's readings. It sounds so much like something my own father might say to me after I have messed up.

It shows me that the Lord knows exactly how often I make mistakes and fall into sin.

It also shows me that He is ready to help me fix the things I have broken.

It gives me hope and I think it is cause for praise and joy. 

God wants to help me, heal me, mend my relationships and cleanse me from my sins.

How can I not find joy in this?

Oh my Lord. You are so wonderful to me. Forgive me my sins. Thank you for your many blessings. 

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My Lord and My God

"How many times, Lord, have I forgotten that the Eucharist is alive! As I wait in line to receive you each day, am I thinking about how much you want to unite yourself with me? Am I seeing your hands filled with the graces you want to give me? Am I filled with awe and gratitude that you love me so much as to actually want to come to me in this incredibly intimate way?

~ Vinny Flynn, an excerpt from 7 Secrets of the Eucharist

Oh, my Jesus. I am so sorry for the times I have let my heart and mind wander during Communion.

Please forgive me and grant me the graces to become who you want me to be.

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Sanctuary

"As long as I am in the world, I am the Light of the world." ~ John 9:5

This reminds me of a recent dream I had, reminding me Our Lord is present in the most Holy Eucharist and the Tabernacles where He resides are holy grounds.

He was and is and will be the Light of the world while the Church holds and priests remain who have been blessed with the gift of consecrating bread and wine into His most precious Body and Blood.

And just as the lamp on the lampstand gives light to the room, so the Eucharist gives Light to the "room" of the church in which He is adored and entire consecrated grounds.

When troubles come, we are to take refuge in the sanctuaries, the hallowed and holy grounds that have been made holy by He who resides there. 

Angels surround the sanctuaries, keeping them holy and allowing all who seek sanctuary therein to enter. 

Battle rages outside the sanctuaries and many souls are lost in the battle but those who remain within the sanctuaries are kept safe.  

Thank you my Lord, for your continued presence in the most holy Eucharist.

Keep me safe within your hallowed grounds.

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Loving our Enemies

"Few of us have enemies but we all have those who hurt us in one way or another and we can be refusing our love to these. —Sr. Ruth Burrows, To Believe in Jesus, (Paulist Press); Magnificat, Feb. 2018, p. 357

This has been a lesson I have struggled with for many years, with varying degrees of success.

At one point, I prayed without ceasing for a woman who was causing me much distress. She was arrogant, condescending and dismissive of me, treating me as a person much lower than her. 

I did meet with some success when I finally could not spend my time worrying about her and what she was doing to thwart my success in work and in love. 

I'll never forget it because as I truly  surrendered my difficulties with her to the Lord and sincerely wished her well, I felt in my heart that sudden joy and ecstasy that filled my heart and soul. It was "my peace returning to me." 

The peace I tried to extend to her did not stay with her because she was not a peaceful person. (Paraphrasing Luke 10:6)

It was so sweet, this fruit of my prayers for one with whom I struggled. It was an eye opener to me about the true value of our prayers, how they do manifest around the world. It came back to me and it was wonderful.

If I had not prayed for good things for her, would I have ever experienced this extraordinary joy and love? 

"Give and gifts will be given to you; a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap. For the measure with which you measure will in return be measured out to you." (Luke 6:38)

Ah, my Lord. You are so good and so worthy of our love and worship. Thank you!

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Present Moment Awareness

For the second time this week, I have been shown that I need present moment awareness.

My friend explained it this way:

"Staying in the past, causes depression because we can't do anything to change some of the things that happened. Worrying about what might happen in the future does no good whatsoever and causes anxiety. The middle ground is staying exactly where we are and that is in the present; not worrying about what might happen, etc."

The second time was today in Lenten meditation by Matthew Kelley that states, "One of the things that prevents us from cooperating with God, from collaborating with God, in that patient, one-step-at-a-time way, is worry. We worry about things. We worry about, "Well what if this happens?" Or, "What if that happens?" Or, "What if this other thing happens?" And God is constantly calling us back from that and saying, "Focus on the moment. Focus on the moment. Be completely present in the moment. Be completely aware of what's happening to you, in you, around you in this moment."

So, my Lord and my God, I ask You this day for the gift of present moment awareness. Help me to be fully present in whatever I do this day, especially in my prayer life. I ask this in the Name of Jesus. Amen

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Failing again

"I pray that, according to the riches of his glory, he may grant that you may be strengthened in your inner being with power through his Spirit, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love."

Ephesians 3:16-17

Such wondrous blessings from my Lord even though  I have had another bad day. I didn't sleep well and was tired most of the day, which almost always results in self-indulgent behavior..excessive time on social media sites and over eating.

Forgive me, Lord. Help me to do better tomorrow. 

Strengthen me with the power of your most Holy Spirit and inspire me to re-focus on my Lenten journey with you into the desert. 

Help me to pick myself up and follow you.

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God's Plan

"One thing about doing the Lord's work: it doesn't always turn out according to our plans." ~Michael E. Gaitley in 33 Days to Morning Glory, day 2

This statement in Fr Gaitley's book comes after a section relating that St. Louis de Monfort had convinced hundreds of peasants to volunteer their labor and materials to build a monument to our Lord's passion. They spent 15 months working on it and the day before it was to be blessed by the Bishop, the government tore it down!

Although St. Louis de Monfort did build a monument by his life's work, it was not the one he intended.

Likewise for each of us. We sometimes get so focused on what we think we ought to be doing that we forget that God might have something else in mind.

Those alternative possibilities I wrote about yesterday are an example of this for me.

Lord, please help me to focus on your goals for my life..not mine. 

Thank you.

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New Discoveries

"...the-best-version-of-yourself is not something you choose, it's something you discover." ~ Matthew Kelly, Best Lent Ever, Day 6 commentary

What are my unique talents and abilities, Lord? Please help me to discover who I am.

At some point today, I was gifted with a different view of circumstances that have been gnawing at me. A discovery of something....

The sense of relief was so palpable to me that I did laugh out loud. Mostly at myself for being such an idiot that I never considered alternate possibilities when I was stewing over this circumstance. 

My thought now is that my heart and/or soul are in possession of some piece of knowledge regarding the whole situation of which my brain isn't completely aware. This is because I am not sure of the situation..just that there are alternate possibilities which somehow aren't as frightening as the one I initially envisioned.

I recognize God's care of me in this whole scenario...that is what is also so delightful. 

It doesn't matter to me which of the alternates it eventually ends up being, because I do recognize and am totally certain of God's loving care of me and the deepest desires of my heart.

Another interesting facet is that I was prepared, like Abraham, to sacrifice my most beloved desire. The relief I felt today must be akin to what Abraham felt when he was stopped from sacrificing his beloved son.

It is comforting to know that God does not yet require me to sacrifice what is precious to me.

It is also humbling to discover that I am capable of doing so.

Lord, you are my God, my Master, my Savior, my Friend. I will strive to be obedient to you. Help me when or if I should falter.

Thank you!

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Generosity

"A generous person will prosper. Whoever refreshes others will be refreshed." ~ Proverbs 11:25

Good morning my Lord!

Thank you for this life affirming gift of snow that we needed so badly. It is truly a blessing and I give you thanks and praise.

Today I am working on de-cluttering my abode and letting go of the past so that I might be cleansed in order to receive the fullness of Easter.

"Generosity of heart, mind and spirit when also being generous with your treasure..this is what I ask from you, my child. I love you deeply and dearly. Give that gift to someone who needs it."

Well, I didn't get accomplished what I wanted to this day. Instead, I did a practice run of our adult ed class. It went well.

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Letting Go

"The sacrament (of confession) doesn't just empty us of the past; it also fills us with grace for the future." 

The Word Among Us, meditation on readings for today.

Good morning, Lord!

I was surprised at Mass today by the unexpected attendance of someone who isn't Catholic. 

I cannot say I was totally surprised because I have had glimpses of such happenings, but such an occurence has been something I have both feared and dreaded.

Yet, this didn't hurt as I expected. You know why I have feared this even when I should be rejoicing that another soul is in the process of being saved.

In the past when something similar to this happened, I felt you actually "zing" my heart. It felt like a dart had embedded itself in my heart and yet I knew it was a gift from you, in spite of the hurt and pain.

Today, I felt no zing but instead wrapped in your loving embrace and that also was a gift from you.

Two similar experiences; two different reactions with a space of 20 years or so in between.

I know you are asking me to let go of the past experiences I have had, that I may be cleansed in preparation for the graces you have planned for me.

Why does this make me somewhat sad and regretful? 

Because I have cherished those experiences as gifts of love from you. I have feared to lose them but in truth, they are not being manifested in my life anyway.

My precious child,

Do you trust me? Do you know that I want you to be the best version of yourself? Do you know that I will be with you through whatever sufferings you undergo?

If you indeed know these things, then you have no reason to fear or doubt.

I love you beyond all measure. I have good things in store for you. Priceless things...and I am pleased you are ready to empty yourself of the past in order that you might have life to the full. 

Thank you, my Lord. I trust you and know that you are guiding me and leading me ever closer to union with you.

Please grant me the graces I need to help You win this soul. Please help me to be gracious and fully and fittingly hospitable as you allow me to help you seek and save souls.

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The Name of Jesus

Oh, my Lord.

I am having a not so good day today.

My daughter-in-law seems determined to keep me from bonding with my granddaughter.

Blessed Mother, please help me to navigate this storm. It seems that she is fearful of any time I might spend with the new baby, but it's more than that. 

She won't spend time with me either. I don't know what the problem is and she won't allow me to get close enough to her to ask.

I am trying to follow the "rules" as laid down by my son..that I contact her first. But, if he's not there she won't let me visit.

Lord, please guide me in this matter. I do not want to lose any of them. How do I proceed?

"On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you." ~John 16:23

Dear Father in heaven,

I ask you for the knowledge, wisdom, love and patience I need to deal with the above situation in a manner pleasing to you. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, your son and my Lord in the unity of the Holy Spirit. 

Amen.

WOW! That was fast. Almost instantly after I prayed in Jesus name, I get a message from her that I can come visit. 

Anyway, thank you, thank you for this opportunity to spend some time with them.

Thank you, my Lord and my God. You take such good care of me. The visit was pleasant and I am getting to know both of them better. 

The Name of Jesus is powerful, but so is the prayer request itself. We must always ask for God's will to be done in these matters.

Valuable lessons I hope to take with me as I continue my journey in the desert with my Lord. 

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A Day Acceptable to the Lord

"Is this the manner of fasting I wish, of keeping a day of penance: That a man bow his head like a reed and lie in sackcloth and ashes? Do you call this a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?" ~ Isaiah 58: 5

Today's assignment:

Write something on what a day acceptable to the Lord looks like.

My day begins with prayer, a time of meditation and reflection. I look to the Lord, whom I have followed into the desert.

He is off by himself praying. I begin my prayers so I am ready for the day's activities when He calls.

I had thought that following the Lord into the desert meant that we will always be on the move as we traverse the harsh terrain, ever seeking, ever searching for some unknown destination. At least unknown to me. 

He is slightly amused by my mistaken understanding.  

I see humor glinting from His eyes.

"No," He tells me, smiling. "Today we will work on making this place acceptable as an abode."

I'm sure He can see the disappointment in my eyes. I followed in part, for the adventure of it. It sounded so grand...following the Lord into the desert, fighting unknown foes as we struggled through the harsh dryness of a desert landscape. 

Although I had no idea what would await us, I had envisioned glorious battles both spiritual and physical as I sacrificed my all for Him. 

Instead, I discover that we will mostly remain in one place. He has chosen it carefully, mindful of the surroundings. It is where we are supposed to be. 

We have made our encampment on a wide ledge that has a sheer cliff wall to our backs, protection against the prevailing wind. A small rock overhang offers shelter from the intense sun. It would also be proof against any rain, should that happen.

Looking away from the cliff wall, the vista opens broadly before us. We had to climb to reach this ledge, which drops off sharply in front of us and to one side so that the only way onto the ledge is by the path we took to get here. It is defendable against the wild beasts that roam the barren desert, looking for food.

The view stretches out seemingly forever, rolling hills and deep crevasses, giving me a more realistic idea of what wilderness actually means.

And we need to make this place "an acceptable abode?" I am wondering what is acceptable to Him when He tells me that He knows my needs. I need food, water and shelter. So, we must search the surroundings for things that we can haul onto our ledge for my comfort.

I had brought a pack with some small amounts of food and water. Still I had been prepared to experience the privation He was going to experience during this exile.

Now, it seems that instead of the extreme fast He is to undergo, I am not to share in that..at least to the extent He is.

"Do not fear," He says. "You will experience this time of preparation to its fullest if you trust me and do as I say."

So, I begin the menial tasks of making the ledge into an acceptable abode.

After a brief time, it becomes exceedingly obvious why He has chosen this place for our abode during these 40 days. I fear even the pitiful fasting I am doing is going to be quite a struggle for me.

He knew this! 

He can withstand the worst the wilderness throws at him, yet I cannot. So He has adapted His suffering to accommodate my weakness. Thank you, my Lord.

He smiled knowingly and urged me to continue with the task He had asked of me this day.

I struggled with distraction all day. I halted my labors to pray a rosary and was distracted. I was distracted when I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy.

I began clearing away debris that cluttered the abode and while I made a good start, there remains much to do.

I tried to fast, but had a small lunch and another snack later in the day. I remember thinking how hungry He must be...and how grateful I am that He doesn't expect the same from me...at least yet.

I get the feeling I am in training and that perhaps I will be required to do a better job fasting after I have "worked up to it."

At any rate, as the day draws to a close and we sit, warming ourselves in the soft glow of fire embers, I look at Him with the question in my heart? 

Was it acceptable? 

The look of love He gives me almost stops my heart. I know that He loves me, even when I fail...or perhaps especially when I fail.

I tried to be obedient and will strive to do better as we continue our journey tomorrow.

A journey I am discovering that is more inward than outward.

Thank you, Lord. I love you.

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Listening to the Heart

"If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." ~ Luke 9:23-24

The question put to me is:

When you listen to your heart, what are your deepest desires?

How is God the fulfilment of those desires?

In years past I have been passionate, even desperate, to share with another that great gift of heart to heart conversations. 

When I first realized how God had allowed me to listen to the heart of another, it was a special intimate time that I only later came to see as a gift from the Holy Spirit. 

I would like to put this special gift into better use. That is one of my deepest desires although I have no clue how to do that. 

I must surrender that to the Lord and trust that He will guide me. 

As for my daily cross?  More contemplation is needed as to what that is.

After thinking on it, I realize that my daily cross is procrastination and addiction to news blogs, which take up valuable time.

Time that I could spend doing those chores I so need to get caught up on.

So, beginning tonight...another fast and tomorrow, a goal of accomplishing something. 

Thank you, Jesus, for showing me how to carry my cross.

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Ash Wednesday, the Journey Begins

"And then, when the full sight of ourselves comes to us, who will not wish that he had known more of himself here, rather than leaving it for the inevitable day to reveal it all to him!" ~Blessed John Henry Newman

So begins the Journey with my Lord into the desert of my soul wherein I have secrets, faults and failings that will be revealed.

If those things are not discovered on this journey, they will still be known eventually by our Lord on the day of my particular judgement. 

So perhaps by allowing the Lord to show them to me on this journey, the exposure to the Light will cleanse and purify them that they will not seem so terrible on the day of judgement. 

I felt inspired to share a book with my sister-in-law that has proven invaluable to me over the years. The book is historical fiction but very well researched and it gives a tremendous insight into first century Palestine. Titled The Day Christ Died by Jim Bishop, it's a fantastic way for one to get to know Christ better. 

I am such a poor evangelizer, however, so I hope my non-Catholic sister-in-law accepts the gift in the spirit it was given and that it acts like a seed. My job was to plant the seed and I essentially just threw it at her on the way out the door without giving her too much time to talk to me about it.

Lord, if it was your will that I share the book with her, then please grow this seed into what you intended and please forgive me for not being able to share adequately with her.

Thank you also for the gift of love which you share on this journey. You fill me with joy and delight and I am so thankful and so very blessed. 

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Preparations for the journey

This day marks the beginning of my journey with Christ into the desert. A journey that will lead us both to the cross first and then ultimately to the Resurrection.

It's actually a day of preparation for the 40 day time of prayer, penance, fasting and hope.

I have many things I must set aside in order to journey with Christ as unencumbered as possible. 

Yet, there are things that I must also take with me so that the journey leads me nearer to His beloved heart.

So what are the things I must leave behind?

What must I take with me and do? 

As I go through this day, I will record those things the Holy Spirit of God shows me I must either take or "give up" for this Lenten journey. 

1) I find I spend an inordinate amount of time reading blogs. So, I will give that reading up for the journey. I will still read my email and spiritual readings but the other blogs I read each day I readily sacrifice in order to spend time with my Lord. 

2) A thought occurred to me almost immediately when I genuflected upon entering my church for Mass today. I had been reading about the Episcopal church decision to not use gender specific pronouns...such as Father, Son.

The thought was that a small life raft that puts off from the main ship often will flounder due to the heavy swells battering it and that is what happens to these break away religions. They are soon swamped by conditions that the main ship..in this case the barque of Christ...can withstand. 

I don't know when I will be called upon to use that but I wanted to write it down.

So, as I come to the end of the day, I realize I have more to take and not take on this journey.

Help me, my Jesus to know what you will be wanting from me as we head out into the desert wilderness tomorrow.

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From anger to love

"No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear.

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving  one another as God has forgiven you in Christ." ~ Ephesians 4: 29-32

Oh my Jesus, please forgive me for the anger I have harbored in my heart this past day over things I felt were aimed at hurting me.

Holy Spirit, please do not depart from me for I do not wish to grieve you by the bitterness and anger that had taken over my heart because of the incident.

Oh God, almighty Father please grant to me the graces I need to comport myself with dignity and love when confronting those who have aimed their anger and fury at me.

And dear Blessed Mother, thank you, thank you for directing me to the above scripture passage when I asked you for help.

To be honest, in my prayers for help I was more like the Apostles who asked Jesus  to rain down God's wrath on those who did not recognize their worth instead of praying for those who hurt me. But, Blessed Mother saw how ugly my heart was and directed it to the above passage.

I don't know where my life is headed, Lord, but I thank you for the grace to have my heart filled with love instead of anger and wounded pride.

I also pray for the two women who are in my heart this day, that I might be for them a beacon of love, drawing them to the safe harbor that is your church.

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Who Does God Think I Am?

"Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire."

— St. Catherine of Siena

Who am I meant to be? This is the question I asked God this morning before I read the quote by St. Catherine. 

I am trying to discern what God wants from me this Lent. I think these questions are related. 

I have "my usuals"...things that I usually try to do during Lent, with varying degrees of success, and some new things I am considering. So, with my re-discovered gifts of the Holy Spirit, I will attempt to discern the answers to both and that will be my Lenten blogging this year.

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