Preparing for Lent

I am looking forward to this time of Lenten preparation for your resurrection, Lord. I have been trying to get this offering done for several years and have not yet succeeded. I am hopeful I can do better this year, making myself more ready for you than I have been for quite some time.

I feel called to fast and pray in addition to making a sacrifice and this year you have been telling me loud and clear to give up television. I pray that I be granted the strength to succeed in this sacrifice. It is difficult because my husband doesn't practice lenten sacrifice. He would never think of giving up television. At least not yet. But I am letting my television viewing habits get in the way of You, my Lord, and the time we spend together. So, I will "sacrifice" my television viewing time.

My gift, though, will be to write daily in our journal, Lord. I hope to accompany the writing with photos and will use photos I have taken on our walks. I pray that we will be able to touch someone in need with the sure knowledge of your love and care. I pray that my gift will be precious to you and loved by you, used by you.

My Child--

You are so sweet to me. I do truly love you beyond anything you can as yet believe. You are precious to me and so will be your gift. You need not worry yourself with how or when I will use it. If you give it in love I will be able to use it. In previous attempts, you have sought glory and acknowlegement for yourself. What you do need to focus on is getting the job done. You have started off very well each Lent, but as Easter draws closer, your focus shifts away from me and accomplishing that which I ask of you and that which you have desired to give me. You then suffer needlessly when you fail to do that which you desire to do. I love you and want to help you with this.

It will truly be a Lenten Journey and you will document it as we go. Be not afraid for I am with you. I am for you as well, so do not let the world rov you of the victory you have won in me and by having me as your friend and savior. I love you.

Questions and Answers

I must consider all the ways in which I disappoint you, Lord, when I do not speak out. I have no fears sharing my love for you among those who love you as I do. But to share my love for you and of you with people who do not know you is frightening to me. I hope this avenue for expressing my love might in some way compensate for that lack in myself. I am a coward and a weasel as much as anyone else at whom I directed that insult. It is only me that must overcome all the failings of my nature--not those other people whom have so disappointed and hurt me. I need to fix myself before I ever start worrying about what they do or do not do.
Is my fear of speaking out reminiscent of the early days of Christianity when members of the Body would greet each other secretly, for fear of prosecution? Is my fear of speaking out in any way indicative of a serious flaw in my love for you?
I also try by my actions to live my love for you, letting those actions speak for themselve without any words of mine to mar their beauty. For my love for you in intense and deep and priceless to me. I must nourish it more with thoughts of love and goodness and generosity to all. It has always been my hope that those actions might shine out as examles of your love.

Tonight as I was walking along the river, pictured above, you answered some very troubling questions, Lord, and I thank you. I had a bad day and was fretting over a misunderstanding with a coworker. You let me have that wondeful gift of giving everything. I am inclined to selfishly hoard the things I keep thinking of as mine and that is when I hurt over these incidents. This time you granted me the graces I need to give to the other person everything and in so doing, gained a peaceful passage to another dimension of myself and you. I also gained the freedom to let go. I get such a sense of victory when I am able to do that. During our walk I remembered the past things I have experienced with this person. Our difficulties today are not something that need stop us from experiencing the love of Christ in a magnificent way.

If the other person feels it necessary to cut me out, then perhaps it is because you want me to move on to other things. I have spoken much of this with you recently, Lord. I go from fear to anger to depression to joy and back again. But tonight was one of those rare moments when I truly trusted the outcome to you. You do know what is best for me and that is all I need to know. All is well and I do believe you and trust in you. Thank you for the gift of giving completely, and thank St. Francis also, whose novena helps me to get to that place where I can give everything.

Sweet one--

All is well indeed. Do not fear. You have won the victory this day over the demons of self pity and selfishness . They seek to demoralize you with moments of angst and strive to rob you of the peace and victory you have won in, with and through me. They can only succeed if you let them. You have won the victory. Do not let them convince you otherwise. I am with you and fight for you and protect you. If it is my will that governs your life, then you need not question where you belong. I will assign you to the place I have most need of you. I am the God of the Universe and I am on your side. What or whom do you fear? If I want or the situation requires you to speak words, then know I will give them to you. Living my love is a more difficult task than speaking of it. I delight in those of my children whose desire is to live it instead of talk it. All is well.

Betrayed

Yesterday was one of those really hard days for me when I was angry and upset with almost everyone. It seemed to me then that I had been betrayed by those from whom I was most counting on for support.
I re-read some of my handwritten journal posts and realize that this is something I have also done before and in much the same manner. I get hurt or angered by someone and I verbally abuse them--in my heart and mind and soul, but never out loud.
I always feel so bad when I do this and later must ask for forgiveness and healing. I wonder how much damage I do to myself and to those to whom I direct these thoughts.
So now we must consider the betrayal. Was I truly betrayed? I was in a meeting with others and I was the only one who spoke out about some things that all had expressed concerns about previously. I think it made me sound bitter and petty. Then I have to wonder if I am bitter and petty and have to believe that I was-- at least yesterday.
Today I spent more time alone with you, Lord, seeking absolution for my rage and hatred at those whom I feel betrayed me. I have to wonder how you actually felt love and forgiveness towards your betrayers?
Thank you for my friends and family and please bless them with something special, Lord.

My beloved child, be at peace. You agonized over this meeting for too long and were expecting too much of others. Do not feel bad over the lack of boldness on their part to speak out. So often in this world, I lack a spokesperson. There were injustices committed and injustices are still being committed. Your job is to love. I know this is a most difficult task--especially for one who has asked me to send down fire and brimstone on those who hurt you--:) but you must love all. Love those who fret you and those who do not. The way to victory is gained by loving, especially, those who fret you. So, this night, I want you to let go of your hurts and anguishes. Give them to me to deal with and trust that I will deal with them. I am for you. You need not fear letting me handle this for you. I know their hearts and minds better than you. I will deal with it and all will be well. All is well. Do not be afraid for I am with you and in you and for you.

My Lord, thank you for being there for me. Thank you for upholding me with the right hand of your rightousness and for forgiving me my failures and faults. I know I must forgive others when their failures and faults cause me pain because mine have so often caused you pain. Yet you hold me in tender love and wash my guilt away in the blood of your sacrifice. How I love you Lord and long to love you even more. Please be with me in ever fuller measure and grant me your joy.