I missed writing yesterday because I had family here and could not find the appropriate time to get away and spend time alone with you, my God. Yet tonight when you asked me to review my old handwritten journals, I realized that I have made progress over the years. In previous attempts to do just what I am doing this Lent, I have stopped doing it once I missed a day. The same with my other sacrifices for Lent. Once I failed, as I so often do, instead of getting up and resuming the sacrifice, I have used it as an excuse to just quit and not go on trying to keep the sacrifice. "It's been tainted by my failure," I rationalize and so I quit, never realizing that everything I do has been tainted by my failure and sin and is made worthy only because you have redeemed me and saved me.
My past offerings of a photo journal, for example, have never materialized because once I miss a day, I just give up and then beat myself up with guilt for having failed. It has been eight years since I first decided to offer you this gift during Lent. And, I don't know if I have tried doing it every year for the past eight years, but I have yet to complete the offering throughout all of Lent and into Easter. I pray for the grace needed to do so this year.
In reviewing those past journals, I also realized that I am making progress in my spiritual growth. So often I think I am getting nowhere and wonder why I try at all. Once I re-read some of my previous journal entries, though, I can see progress. Probably not as much as you would like from me and it is obvious we have to go over lessons you would have me learn again and again. But, I am making progress. And until I actually got a blog and a digital camera, it was difficult to find a mechanism for sharing this gift with you in the public way I feel you have called me to share it. So perhaps I just wasn't ready until this year to make this offering. I hope that is not more rationalization on my part.
Last night I felt like I was wrestling with demons the whole night. I kept seeing myself seated before my boss and reviewing our past work together. It was an agitating experience, as if I was justifying my actions of 25 years or so to him. He wasn't seeing things as I have seen them over the years and I ended up giving him my keys and walking out. I don't know if this is a precursor of things to come or not, but I also "claimed" a job from another person whom I would be interested in working for--I think. I don't know what all this means, Lord. But I thank you and praise you for taking care of me. I think part of the reason you had me review my handwritten journals was to reassure me that my version of things--as I laid out in this wrestling dream--was in fact the way it happened. Or at least how I viewed it at the time and how I recorded it for your approval and blessing. I have a difficult time speaking to him at length, though, so I pray that if you want me to speak to him of these things, you will grant me the words. I trust you with the outcome and my life and livelihood, though. Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings. Please forgive me for failing and sinning and for the many times I offend you.
My precious one--
I love you and have loved you for a very long time--since before you were born into this world. I did know you and love you then as I do now. I do forgive you for the times you have failed me and for the times you have hurt me. As I forgive you, please forgive others their failings and hurts--your boss among them. He has failed you many times and hurt you deeply, yet I ask you to be generous with him and to forgive him as I forgive you. The truth--that you have always been working for me instead of him is something he would find hard to believe. Yet, if you must speak those words to him, know that I will grant you the grace to speak with power to the truth of it.
You have wondered more than once lately if you are to move on to other things. I ask you to take it on faith that I am guiding you in the path I would have you go. I may ask you to follow me into the desert for a time of fast, prayer and temptation before I show you what I would like of you next, but know that it is a time of preparation for future work for me and I will be with you. Will you follow me into the desert?
Yes, my Lord and Guide. I will go where you lead.
Then go now in peace and get a good night's rest. I love you. Have no fear for I am with you.
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