More contemplation

This evening time was spent with my friends who are spending time in formulation as lay Carmelites. We are just beginning the journey and have begun studying St. John of the Cross. I had much difficulty reading the introduction. I found myself reading and re-reading it and still not grasping it. It became easier, or rather spoke to my heart more as I began actually reading "The Ascent of Mt. Carmel." We are taking it slow and I am glad for that. I am somewhat concerned because of St. John's views on personal revelations. He doesn't think anyone who has a personal revelation should share it with the world. Which is exactly what I am doing with my conversations with you, Lord. Or perhaps my conversations are just my imagination working overtime??
I began this journal as a Lenten gift to you, my Lord. Is this not something you want me to be doing? Or perhaps I just should not share it with anyone. This just seemed to be such a good format as I can put a photo with each entry and write about my day. When I have tried this in the past, I didn't really have a finished product. Or I have a more finished product by using the weblog format.
Perhaps I am over-reacting to the comments made this evening. I mean, the blog isn't exactly being overrun with comments from readers, so perhaps it isn't so public after all.

Good Evening my beloved child,

I delight in you and in your sweet innocence. Do not fear. You have sought to give me a gift of your time and talents by spending time writing to me and recording my responses to you. You also take the time to go out and find a picture you want to share with me, a picture taken during quiet time we spend together. You do not intend to share it with the world at large, although if I choose to share it with someone who may benefit from it, it is now available to them.

Lord, I am also worried a bit because of the comments made about doing something alone. The idea, or so I gather, is to share such things with others so that I do not deceive myself. But this project is intensely personal. That is one of the reasons we came up with a pen name. The anonymity of that eases my heart so much in that casual readers do not know who is penning these entries. It is easy to share with someone who may never know who I am, but to share it with someone who knows me is quite another thing.

Be still and know that I am God, as the Psalmist has said. Do not fear. I will not allow you to deceive yourself. You must trust that I am God and will protect you here, even from yourself. As we journey along, you will see that all is well. Trust me and go forward unafraid. I love you.

The "Cracked" Vision

Wow. I have had a hard time this past week keeping true to my resolution to write every day. I guess one of the reasons I have had a hard time is because it feels forced and I want it to be inspired. I have not done well with the television thing either. I keep watching even when I have seen the programming before. What is with that? Why don't I just turn it off and spend time with you, Sweet Jesus? Please be with me this day as we review the past week and my trials and failures.

Let's see....Several things I wanted to ask about. The first was the "vision flash" of a crack..Seeming to separate two people, I think. Or perhaps a crack in the protective aura of someone. I don't know. I am not sure if the crack or the vision of the crack was something to celebrate or something to heal? At first I thought it was similar to the axing of a harmful growth that I saw several years ago. But, the crack was only a short one and didn't pierce the whole way, as did the axing. In that "vision", the split was total and complete from head to toe. So then I thought it might be a warning that something was trying to invade my protective aura. And then, I thought perhaps it was you finally "cracking" my defenses and that I might be at the stage where I can allow you to enter into my heart and soul completely.
So that is one thing. The next was an abrupt surge of anger and rage. It happened over my lunch hour the day following the "cracking vision" and all of a sudden, I just got viscerally angry at a friend and started cussing at this person and shouting at the person in the silence of my heart and mind. At that point, I did obey you and grab my Bible and read what you directed me to read, calming myself down, I'm thinking that might have been an attack of some kind. It was interesting that the first thing out of the person's mouth when we next met was "Well??" As if my friend actually heard me and was asking me about the attack.
And then there is the cold rudeness of another female. She ignores me when she can and makes snide remarks when she must speak with me. I feel she dislikes me extremely and even though I know the reason, I am not sure what to do about it.
So, those are the highlights of the week after my last post. I am so sorry for having failed to write daily and for having failed to turn off the television. Help me Lord, my God and my Friend, to value my time with you more than anything. Forgive me for my failures and sins and guide me in overcoming all those things displeasing to you.

Ah..sweet, sweet Child and Friend,
I do value you so much. I forgive you for the times you hurt me by not valuing our time together as much as I do. Do you hear what I am saying to you? I value our time together so much. Yes, I long to spend more time with you. I do thank you for taking me with you everywhere you go, however. I know that I am always with you in the center of your heart. I know you feel this because of the many times you stop and speak with me during your day. I value that in our friendship.
As to interpreting your visions...The first time you saw the axing, it was as if a tree had been split in two with one side surviving even after the split. The axing cut away a part of the tree that was sick. And you should remember specifically praying for the healing of the surviving half.
In the vision of this past week, the crack was more like a crack in an eggshell, was it not? That is where you got the idea it might be a cracking of a protection...Much as a chick is protected by the eggshell until it is time to come out of the shell and into the world. The crack did not go the length and breadth of the egg, however. It was just starting. Nor was it as violent as the axing of the tree. It was a start. It was a brief glimpse of a new life that is about to be born in your life. Keep on praying and loving. You are doing well. You can do better, of course, but you are doing well.
As to the anger, it was an attack, as can be evidenced by the fact that when you began reading my Word, you regained your calm and did not allow the underlying cause of your anger to overwhelm you. It was real and it was an attack of evil against you. Even though you were angry at people, do not think that they are the source of the attack. Evil attacks my friends and loved ones to hurt me, but also to discourage them and hurt them and mislead them. Were you to act on your angry impulses, you might hurt the people you were angry with and evil would smile at your easy duplicity.
As to the female you are in conflict with, you do know what to do about it. You pray and love this person. Always, always when you find yourself in conflict with another, the first thing to do is bring them to me in prayer. Often, the other person does not wish you well. I will guide you in those instances. But to know where I am guiding you in response to their actions, you must first bring them to me in prayer.

Lord, thank you. You have lightened my burdens considerably this day. I thank you and praise you and love you for your wonderful care of me. How good you are to me. Thank you so much for all your blessings and for your guidance in all my deeds and words and actions. Thank you for protecting me and for loving me. I also had a glimpse today of myself between two people. One was the female I find myself in such conflict with and the other was a mutual friend. I was between them holding a hand of each of them. What does this mean? Does it mean I interfere with their relationship or that I hold it together?

Sweet one--
Meditate on this and see if you can determine what the Spirit is telling you with these visions. Do not be afraid. I am with you and will guide you to the truth. You need not fear exploring this gift a little. It is an awesome gift and you do not as yet realize what is happening. Be at peace and know that I love and cherish you.

A Bad Day

I had a monumentally bad day today. For most of the day, I was angry at my co-workers and felt threatened by every thing. My husband has been drinking again, heavily and I just had a rotten attitude today.

I don't know what I am supposed to be doing anymore, Lord. When I had a purpose, loving someone--truly loving them as you define love--I felt I had direction and at least knew what I was doing. But because you have told me that I no longer need to do that, I don't know what good I am doing. I still see this person on a regular basis, and love him in a general kind of way, but there is no depth of feeling or sense of mission like I had before. I have been very threatened by the person who is now in his life to take care of him, even though I prayed for it and you granted my prayers. And there is this Carmelite thing which I don't seem to be doing that well.
Do you have a purpose for me now, my Friend and my King? If not, you can take me home with you. I sometimes envision how it will be when you come get me and I sometimes cannot stand the wait.
I need to focus more on you and what you want of me than on my own sorry state of mind and heart. Please heal the hurts I inflicted today and had inflicted on me today. Thank you for your many blessings, especially the blessing of mercy and forgiveness for all my failures to accomplish what you would have me do, even if I am not sure what that is. I'm pretty certain that with an attitude like I had today, I wasn't doing what you wanted me to be doing.

JC, my sweet one--
I am sorry you had a difficult day. Know that for every bad day you have, I am right there beside you, helping you to carry the burden of the day's cross. You are not alone, even if it sometimes feels as if the whole world is against you. Do not fear any changes that may come about because of our renewed friendship. You are mine and are coming with me on this Lenten journey. I make the plans and preparations for the journey. I take all into consideration when I ask such a thing of my friends. I will help you with whatever needs you have when you need the help. Did you not know that when I asked to you read Scripture? I selected the reading especially for you so you would know I am with you and will be there when you need me. Just call on me-- out loud or in the silence of your heart. I care not which it is, but know and be sure that I will give you the help you need.
Try to remember not to judge others. Yes, they caused you grief today, but it is still not your job to judge them. That is my job. Your job and your cross is to love them and help them as you perceive their needs.
Be at peace and know that I am with you and for you. I am for you as I am your friend and defender. Threats against you will be dealt with by me. Do not fear. I am yours as you are mine. Mine to care for and love. I cherish you and am guiding you where I want you to go. Do not fret that you do not see the final destination--the goal. Just trust me and go where I lead you each day.

Lord--
Thank you for loving me in such a way. You are wonderful to me. Thank you for taking such good care of me. Forgive me for not always trusting you the way I should.

Judging

Although this picture was taken last year, the ground cover today a year and a month later looks very similar to this photo. This much snow in February is not uncommon but to have it cover the ground in March is a different story.

Just random thoughts as I sit here tonight. I have been reading several books on the saints. I have finished the biography of Mother Angelica and I started another book on St. John of the Cross in preparation for my Third Order Carmelite studies. What strikes me about both is the contentious times both had with the hierarchy of the church.
This strikes me because I have had my run ins with my local parish priest and even spoke with the Bishop about it. He urged me to appreciate the priest I have and left no doubts in my mind that he would support the priest. This is of some concern because of the scandal involving the priests and abuse. If bishops are willing to blindly support the priests, then what of any reform? Although my parish priest is not sexually abusive, he is verbally abusive and has a bad habit of lying to cover his mistakes. This troubles me.
At any rate, my interest in the willingness of religious to stand up to the hierarchy when they thought it necessary intrigues me. I have thought I need to stand up to abusive priests, but then have thought I need to be obedient to the church, i.e my priest. So the issue is somewhat confusing for me.
I am troubled also because this priest has caused several people to go to different parishes. I know that you often have people who do not see eye to eye with a priest and who choose to go to different churches. But this bothers me because the man worked closely with the priest and has now left due to a disagreement between them.
Help me here Lord to know and do your will.

My precious child--
How I wish all my children could get along with one another. It saddens me also that such hurt exists among my children. It saddens me that my priests often are so far away from the ideal I came to teach and to live. Yet it has always been so. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. All are in need of salvation. You hold my priests to a higher standard than you do lay people. But judgment is not your job. It is my job to judge of my priests, who have dedicated their lives to my service. Only I can fairly judge of their actions and what is in their hearts. Your job is to love the people I send into your life and to do as I ask of you. Do not be eager to judge of anyone else, especially my priests and religious. If correction is needed, trust me to do the correcting. Pray for your friends who have left your parish and gone to another. Bless them and your priest and pray for them all. Pray also for the victims of sexual abusive priests. These are the priest who so break my heart and betray my covenant with the people. Your job is to pray. You cannot pray too much.
Trust me, my child. I am God.

Addictions

Well, I have certainly had a difficult time getting anything written down this past week. Until this week, I have always thought my television viewing habits were a bad habit. After this week, I know it is more of an addiction, at least for me. I have given up television for Lent, but I have failed miserably at that sacrifice. It doesn't help that my husband will not give up television, so it is on and once it is on, I do not do well with finding something else to do.
So, before I give him any grief for his addictions, I must do something about my addiction of television viewing. If I watched only the programs I really like and then got up and did something else, it would be one thing. But once I sit myself down and begin watching television, that is pretty much where I stay for the duration.
I know you want me to spend more time with you, my Lord and King. And in wondering where I might find the time, it is very apparent that if I gave up television, I would have much more time for everything. But why do I find it so fascinating? I mean, usually it isn't even good programming that has me hooked. So, once again, I offer it to you. I will make a fresh start on my Lenten sacrifice beginning anew again today. And once I failed in that aspect, I also did not come to share my writings and thoughts with you. So, please forgive me once again for failing to be obedient to your will and for ignoring you.

The effects of the spring storm we had last week have been slow to depart and we've even had more snow on top of the foot we got Wednesday.

I am not sure what happened last week, but one day I felt threatened by someone and I'm not sure if I was just being snotty or if she really did intend to cause me hurt. At any rate, I was reminded that you are there to protect me and will send your angels to guard my comings and goings. If I am to suffer, then I know you will grant me whatever graces I need. And if it was me who was being hurtful, then I ask your forgiveness once again for that as well.

As the meditation of today reminded me, you died that I might be forgiven. I can not be outside of your loving forgiveness and to think otherwise diminished your sacrifice.

My sweet child--
Know that I love you. Trust in me. I will not let you fail. Listen to my voice. You have struggled with the addiction of television for a long time. It is like a chain binding you that you must break away little by little until one day you awaken and the chain no longer binds. I could snap it for you, but I desire effort from you in this matter. I will bless your efforts in saying no to television and yes to me. I need you to see how this all works and if I just release you from the addiction, you will have learned nothing. I need you to give me your life daily and trust that I do love you and will bless your efforts. Do not fear. I will not let this struggle overcome you. I need you to remember that my sacrifice covers all your sins. Do not believe anyone who tells you that because you continue to fall in seeking to overcome your addictions that you are beyond my forgiveness. That is not so.

Spring storm

Awakening today, the ground was covered with nearly a foot of new snow. Spring storms are delightfully big and wet, even though they often cause damage. My husband, who plows snow in the winter months, doesn't think they are as cool as I do.
I have just finished reading the biography of Mother Angelica, a woman whose faith amazes me as does her instantaneous obedience. If she hears you telling her to do something, Lord, she just starts doing it.
How I wish I could be like her in that regard! I hear you speaking to me, Lord and I immediately start to tell you all the reasons I cannot do what you are asking of me. I very often talk myself out of believing that it is really you who have asked it of me--convincing myself that I have imagined it. Where does the kind of faith that Mother Angelica has come from? Does it come from you? If you want me to be that obedient to your commands, may I ask for the kind of faith and belief that your beloved Mother Angelica has?
An even more frightening question is have you given it to me and I still don't do as you ask? Is there hope for such a person? Another question is what would you ask of me were you to gift me with that kind of faith and belief?
I don't know that I have it in me to confront Church hierarchy as she did. Wow. Having had my own difficulties with my parish priest, I cannot imagine going up against the Conference of Bishops or building anything "on faith that the money will come in." Perhaps that is why you don't ask such things of me.
Forgive me for being such a disappointment to you, my Lord. I continually don't do as you ask or do as you don't want me to. Please help me to become more like Mother Angelica in the things that I can do for you.

Oh my love--
Do you still not realize how much I love you for who you are? I do not expect you to do the same things that I asked of Mother Angelica. You are right that I do expect you to obey me when I ask you to do something for me and you do hear me asking. You are learning obedience and practicing faith. That is how you will grow to be a more faith filled person, living and doing my will. It is not something that will just come at the drop of a hat for you. It may be like that for some of my children, but not for you. I give my children what suits them best--according to who they are. It is one of the wonders of the Body of Christ. All are different and have different gifts, but all are still one with me. You have much to learn, but you are learning it and making progress. Continue on in my love. I am with you to guard you and guide you in living my will. And you will come to love it. Be at peace. Be inspired by stories of my other children, not threatened by them.
As we continue our desert walk and temptation time this Lent, know that I am leading you where I would have you go. Trust me and know that all is well. I love you.

Called to Contemplation

This evening I went with my friend to the first meeting of a group who are in formation as Third Order Carmelites. When she first asked me I said no, I didn't think I wanted to do that, but I ended up going with her. Not because I wanted to go for myself but because she is my friend and she wanted me to go with her.
I am intrigued and frightened at the same time by the idea of committing to following the rule of the order. I originally told her that I would make no promises about whether or not I would continue once I had been to the first meeting. And I fully intended to tell her following the night's introductory session that it isn't something I want to do or commit myself to do. But I was intrigued and decided to give it a try.
I think this is your way of preparing me for another task you have in mind for me, Lord. I was reminded of a child who doesn't think she wants to go somewhere and has to be dragged kicking and screaming along until we get there and then she realizes that it might be just what she wanted all along. And there is no doubt at all that I can use the discipline required to make this a daily habit.
So, I offer it to you and ask you to bless my endeavors in your name. I pray that I am following your will for me in this matter Lord. I thank you for my friend who, perhaps, has heard your voice more clearly in this matter than have I.

My beloved--
You have prayed to love me as much as I love you. This is the way I have chosen to show you that love and how to love me better and better. You will like this way, even if it doesn't seem like it at the present time. Remember that my ways are not your ways and the methods I choose may not be the ones you would have chosen for yourself. Yet, I know you and I know your capabilities. I asked you to follow me into the desert. You said yes. Remember that the Carmelites began as a prayer community...In the desert.

Oh, my Lord!! How obtuse of me. I didn't expect something like this and as a result could have easily missed your voice calling to me and showing me the way to follow you. Thank you so much for not letting me miss it and thank you so much for my friend and allowing me to finally recognize you in her. And now, Lord, I can more easily accept the strictures of this order and will hopefully come to love it because it brings us into divine union. It is also good for me to be reminded that even though I believe you speak to me in this time, you also speak to me in the ordinary ways of my day--such as the suggestion of a friend. How I thank you and praise you, my Lord and King.

I love you, my child and long for a closer union with you. I long to be one with you as the Father and I are one. This is what I call each of my beloved children to and what I want to share with each of you. You do not need to be frightened. I will guide you easily and gently. Be at peace.

Following the Guide--First Sunday of Lent

I missed writing yesterday because I had family here and could not find the appropriate time to get away and spend time alone with you, my God. Yet tonight when you asked me to review my old handwritten journals, I realized that I have made progress over the years. In previous attempts to do just what I am doing this Lent, I have stopped doing it once I missed a day. The same with my other sacrifices for Lent. Once I failed, as I so often do, instead of getting up and resuming the sacrifice, I have used it as an excuse to just quit and not go on trying to keep the sacrifice. "It's been tainted by my failure," I rationalize and so I quit, never realizing that everything I do has been tainted by my failure and sin and is made worthy only because you have redeemed me and saved me.
My past offerings of a photo journal, for example, have never materialized because once I miss a day, I just give up and then beat myself up with guilt for having failed. It has been eight years since I first decided to offer you this gift during Lent. And, I don't know if I have tried doing it every year for the past eight years, but I have yet to complete the offering throughout all of Lent and into Easter. I pray for the grace needed to do so this year.

In reviewing those past journals, I also realized that I am making progress in my spiritual growth. So often I think I am getting nowhere and wonder why I try at all. Once I re-read some of my previous journal entries, though, I can see progress. Probably not as much as you would like from me and it is obvious we have to go over lessons you would have me learn again and again. But, I am making progress. And until I actually got a blog and a digital camera, it was difficult to find a mechanism for sharing this gift with you in the public way I feel you have called me to share it. So perhaps I just wasn't ready until this year to make this offering. I hope that is not more rationalization on my part.

Last night I felt like I was wrestling with demons the whole night. I kept seeing myself seated before my boss and reviewing our past work together. It was an agitating experience, as if I was justifying my actions of 25 years or so to him. He wasn't seeing things as I have seen them over the years and I ended up giving him my keys and walking out. I don't know if this is a precursor of things to come or not, but I also "claimed" a job from another person whom I would be interested in working for--I think. I don't know what all this means, Lord. But I thank you and praise you for taking care of me. I think part of the reason you had me review my handwritten journals was to reassure me that my version of things--as I laid out in this wrestling dream--was in fact the way it happened. Or at least how I viewed it at the time and how I recorded it for your approval and blessing. I have a difficult time speaking to him at length, though, so I pray that if you want me to speak to him of these things, you will grant me the words. I trust you with the outcome and my life and livelihood, though. Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings. Please forgive me for failing and sinning and for the many times I offend you.

My precious one--
I love you and have loved you for a very long time--since before you were born into this world. I did know you and love you then as I do now. I do forgive you for the times you have failed me and for the times you have hurt me. As I forgive you, please forgive others their failings and hurts--your boss among them. He has failed you many times and hurt you deeply, yet I ask you to be generous with him and to forgive him as I forgive you. The truth--that you have always been working for me instead of him is something he would find hard to believe. Yet, if you must speak those words to him, know that I will grant you the grace to speak with power to the truth of it.
You have wondered more than once lately if you are to move on to other things. I ask you to take it on faith that I am guiding you in the path I would have you go. I may ask you to follow me into the desert for a time of fast, prayer and temptation before I show you what I would like of you next, but know that it is a time of preparation for future work for me and I will be with you. Will you follow me into the desert?

Yes, my Lord and Guide. I will go where you lead.

Then go now in peace and get a good night's rest. I love you. Have no fear for I am with you.

The Tree--First Friday of Lent

Yesterday I wrote of being planted near God's River of Grace. In thinking of that, I consider myself to be like a tree--either bearing much fruit or needing to be cut down because I do not bear fruit. I found this wonderful tree last year, and I love the image of it--weathered, knotted knarly, twisted but still enduring.

I wonder if I must look something like this to you, Lord. The shape of my life having been formed by events, circumstances and situations. Some of which I chose and others I did not choose but merely happened. Some of the choices wise and some not. I wonder if my life is intertwined with those of others so that we are essentially one, as are the separate branches of this tree, now indistinguishable as separate things. And even though this tree is far from any water, I hope wherever I am planted, I am near your River of Grace.

Actually, I know I am planted near the River of your Grace because of the many blessings you have bestowed on me. You have shielded me from the results of many things in my life, mostly poor choices, so that even if I end up knotted and knarly, I am still alive and hopefully, producing fruit for the glory of your name. Perhaps if nothing else, I am as interesting to look at as is this tree.

Thank you for this day, my God and King. Thank you for the blessing of family members who have come to visit this weekend and for the joy of loving them. Forgive me for the anger and jealousy I feel towards friends. Please bless them according to your will and grant me the special grace I need to overcome this jealousy of their relationships. I am trying to be more like you but I so often feel as if I get farther from you.

My Sweet One--

I do love you and forgive you your many failings. I have purchased you with my life and you are precious to me. Do not fear. We will overcome the temptations which trouble you. Do not fear to bless those whom you find yourself in conflict with. I know you think that asking me to bless them will only give you further cause to feel jealous of them, but that is not the way it works in my kingdom. As you bless them you are granted the special graces you need to overcome your jealousies and fears. There is nothing to fear in their relationship. It does not detract from your relationship with them in any way. What I have granted to you is yours and no one else may claim it. You must believe this and take joy in it. Do not fear. I am with you and for you. I will vindicate you.

River of Grace--the second day of Lent

A meditation I was given today advised me to plant myself in the river of God's grace that I might be deeply rooted in his love and nourished by it. Asked to imagine how I see this River of Grace, I have to answer that I see it differently at different times.
Planted today near the river it would be hard for any nourishment of love to penetrate the frozen soil of my heart. Yet as winter turns to spring and the water of the river begins to rush through the valley it rises and often overflows the banks drenching everything. After the mad rush of spring, it slows providing gentle sustenance through the long, warm days of summer. And in the fall, the flow slows to a trickle before winter storms once again ice it over. I suppose my imaginings of this meditation reflect the ebb and flow of my relationship with you, my Lord and God. There are so many times I am frozen to your love, attempting to keep you from penetrating my heart. Yet at other times, I am so overwhelmed by it, as if carried away by flood waters. And then there are just calm times when I am nourished and grow in the gentle warmth of your love.
I often beat myself up for these differing views, thinking one or the other is somehow not as good. But perhaps what you are telling me here, Lord, in this meditation is that each aspect of my relationship is necessary to have life to the full. I need the winter as much as the spring or summer, just as all your creation does.
I really like the image of your grace permeating my whole being, as the life-giving water permeates a tree through the roots and up to the highest branches--filling each leaf, bloom, and branch with the nourishment needed to grow and produce fruit. I love thinking that your grace permeates each action of mine and also produces much fruit for the kingdom and I pray that this is so. Thank you, my Savior, for this day and for nourishing my soul even in the cold darkness of winter.

My beloved--
You often worry about not being used for a certain task, or fret yourself over times of inactivity. I desire to teach you that you must have periods of rest and preparation before you are once again able to do my work. There is nothing wrong with you, nor have you done something wrong. It is just the law of creation as I have laid it out for all. You will bear much fruit for the glory of my name, as you have prayed many times to do. Giving me thanks for this time of preparation is what I want from you today. There will be days when I ask much more of you and for those days, my river of grace will be as strong and rushing as a spring stream overflowing its banks and giving you all you can absorb. For now, rest and prepare for the time of growth to come. You are precious to me. Know this and rejoice.

Ash Wednesday--The Journey Begins

God's love for us is so huge, so magnificent in its glory that all we can sometimes do is simply be in awe of his greatness.

I see you frequently in nature, my God, and was fortunate enough this day to be outside where I could revel at the wonder of your creation. How magnificent it truly is! I am humbled before such a stunning display of your beauty, as reflected by your creation.

Thank you for arranging for me to be outside today. It seems more like I am beginning a journey that will take me ever closer to you when I get to share in the world pictured above. I thank you for this day and for the people whom you allowed me to share it with. I pray that you will pour out your blessings on each of them, gifting them with something special to their hearts. Thank you.

I had many things to ponder this day, but so far the thing which has stayed with me is from today's Gospel reading. Matthew's gospel spells out the behavior for fasting and prayer and I was comforted by it because of my earlier questions on speaking out. According to Matthew, I needn't go around telling people of my prayers and fasts, seeking honor or even just acknowledgment from them. If I do, that is the reward I get--even if it is not what I really want. If I want the reward the Father has to offer, then I must not boast of my prayers or fasts.
I do still wonder about when I should speak out, though. So many Christians believe they must share their faith with everyone around them. I don't know when to speak and when not to speak of it, so I usually don't speak out loud. I do speak to them in the silence of my heart and hope and pray that if God really wants me to speak out loud, he will give me the words or let them hear the words I speak in the silence of my heart.

My beloved child--
You are doing just fine. Do not fret yourself over words about me. Show me to others by living the Gospel message and words will be unnecessary. You will see as we make this journey that words are not required to share me with the world. I am delighted to share this journey with you and will indeed pour out many blessings on you as we go along together. I thank you for taking me with you this day and for recognizing me in the beauty of the outdoors. You will come to joy in the heart to heart conversations we share and to see them as a true manifestation of me. When your heart quickens, know I am speaking to you.

Preparing for Lent

I am looking forward to this time of Lenten preparation for your resurrection, Lord. I have been trying to get this offering done for several years and have not yet succeeded. I am hopeful I can do better this year, making myself more ready for you than I have been for quite some time.

I feel called to fast and pray in addition to making a sacrifice and this year you have been telling me loud and clear to give up television. I pray that I be granted the strength to succeed in this sacrifice. It is difficult because my husband doesn't practice lenten sacrifice. He would never think of giving up television. At least not yet. But I am letting my television viewing habits get in the way of You, my Lord, and the time we spend together. So, I will "sacrifice" my television viewing time.

My gift, though, will be to write daily in our journal, Lord. I hope to accompany the writing with photos and will use photos I have taken on our walks. I pray that we will be able to touch someone in need with the sure knowledge of your love and care. I pray that my gift will be precious to you and loved by you, used by you.

My Child--

You are so sweet to me. I do truly love you beyond anything you can as yet believe. You are precious to me and so will be your gift. You need not worry yourself with how or when I will use it. If you give it in love I will be able to use it. In previous attempts, you have sought glory and acknowlegement for yourself. What you do need to focus on is getting the job done. You have started off very well each Lent, but as Easter draws closer, your focus shifts away from me and accomplishing that which I ask of you and that which you have desired to give me. You then suffer needlessly when you fail to do that which you desire to do. I love you and want to help you with this.

It will truly be a Lenten Journey and you will document it as we go. Be not afraid for I am with you. I am for you as well, so do not let the world rov you of the victory you have won in me and by having me as your friend and savior. I love you.

Questions and Answers

I must consider all the ways in which I disappoint you, Lord, when I do not speak out. I have no fears sharing my love for you among those who love you as I do. But to share my love for you and of you with people who do not know you is frightening to me. I hope this avenue for expressing my love might in some way compensate for that lack in myself. I am a coward and a weasel as much as anyone else at whom I directed that insult. It is only me that must overcome all the failings of my nature--not those other people whom have so disappointed and hurt me. I need to fix myself before I ever start worrying about what they do or do not do.
Is my fear of speaking out reminiscent of the early days of Christianity when members of the Body would greet each other secretly, for fear of prosecution? Is my fear of speaking out in any way indicative of a serious flaw in my love for you?
I also try by my actions to live my love for you, letting those actions speak for themselve without any words of mine to mar their beauty. For my love for you in intense and deep and priceless to me. I must nourish it more with thoughts of love and goodness and generosity to all. It has always been my hope that those actions might shine out as examles of your love.

Tonight as I was walking along the river, pictured above, you answered some very troubling questions, Lord, and I thank you. I had a bad day and was fretting over a misunderstanding with a coworker. You let me have that wondeful gift of giving everything. I am inclined to selfishly hoard the things I keep thinking of as mine and that is when I hurt over these incidents. This time you granted me the graces I need to give to the other person everything and in so doing, gained a peaceful passage to another dimension of myself and you. I also gained the freedom to let go. I get such a sense of victory when I am able to do that. During our walk I remembered the past things I have experienced with this person. Our difficulties today are not something that need stop us from experiencing the love of Christ in a magnificent way.

If the other person feels it necessary to cut me out, then perhaps it is because you want me to move on to other things. I have spoken much of this with you recently, Lord. I go from fear to anger to depression to joy and back again. But tonight was one of those rare moments when I truly trusted the outcome to you. You do know what is best for me and that is all I need to know. All is well and I do believe you and trust in you. Thank you for the gift of giving completely, and thank St. Francis also, whose novena helps me to get to that place where I can give everything.

Sweet one--

All is well indeed. Do not fear. You have won the victory this day over the demons of self pity and selfishness . They seek to demoralize you with moments of angst and strive to rob you of the peace and victory you have won in, with and through me. They can only succeed if you let them. You have won the victory. Do not let them convince you otherwise. I am with you and fight for you and protect you. If it is my will that governs your life, then you need not question where you belong. I will assign you to the place I have most need of you. I am the God of the Universe and I am on your side. What or whom do you fear? If I want or the situation requires you to speak words, then know I will give them to you. Living my love is a more difficult task than speaking of it. I delight in those of my children whose desire is to live it instead of talk it. All is well.

Betrayed

Yesterday was one of those really hard days for me when I was angry and upset with almost everyone. It seemed to me then that I had been betrayed by those from whom I was most counting on for support.
I re-read some of my handwritten journal posts and realize that this is something I have also done before and in much the same manner. I get hurt or angered by someone and I verbally abuse them--in my heart and mind and soul, but never out loud.
I always feel so bad when I do this and later must ask for forgiveness and healing. I wonder how much damage I do to myself and to those to whom I direct these thoughts.
So now we must consider the betrayal. Was I truly betrayed? I was in a meeting with others and I was the only one who spoke out about some things that all had expressed concerns about previously. I think it made me sound bitter and petty. Then I have to wonder if I am bitter and petty and have to believe that I was-- at least yesterday.
Today I spent more time alone with you, Lord, seeking absolution for my rage and hatred at those whom I feel betrayed me. I have to wonder how you actually felt love and forgiveness towards your betrayers?
Thank you for my friends and family and please bless them with something special, Lord.

My beloved child, be at peace. You agonized over this meeting for too long and were expecting too much of others. Do not feel bad over the lack of boldness on their part to speak out. So often in this world, I lack a spokesperson. There were injustices committed and injustices are still being committed. Your job is to love. I know this is a most difficult task--especially for one who has asked me to send down fire and brimstone on those who hurt you--:) but you must love all. Love those who fret you and those who do not. The way to victory is gained by loving, especially, those who fret you. So, this night, I want you to let go of your hurts and anguishes. Give them to me to deal with and trust that I will deal with them. I am for you. You need not fear letting me handle this for you. I know their hearts and minds better than you. I will deal with it and all will be well. All is well. Do not be afraid for I am with you and in you and for you.

My Lord, thank you for being there for me. Thank you for upholding me with the right hand of your rightousness and for forgiving me my failures and faults. I know I must forgive others when their failures and faults cause me pain because mine have so often caused you pain. Yet you hold me in tender love and wash my guilt away in the blood of your sacrifice. How I love you Lord and long to love you even more. Please be with me in ever fuller measure and grant me your joy.

Circle of life

It has been over a week since I have taken the time to stop and listen, writing what I am inspired to write. That is because I don't want to report on my lack of progress. I don't do what I have been asked and for that I am so very sorry. I am saying no to Jesus. How can I do such a thing? Especially when what I want is exactly where He is leading? And I wonder why He hasn't been speaking with me!! He is calling me to something and I have been avoiding Him. Forgive me once again, my Lord.

I have realized this before but again today when I was walking the dogs, it came to me that I have been walking in the same small area my whole entire life. My childhood was spent playing where I now walk. It looked different then, of course, but it's the same place.

When I was younger, in third grade, my parents bought a home in a new subdivision in our community. It was out of a bluff, covered with sagebrush; overlooking the river with the mountains in the background. There were three families who bought the first homes out there--quite a distance at that time--from where the homes were built to the downtown area. The road home was cut in the dirt, just sort of a meandering route from the existing roads through the sagebrush and rock to the new house. The "road" was slimey and slick when it was wet.
Below the houses on the bluff were stones, some cut like steps onto a rock projection. A wonderful old dump was below that. It was full of items left from an earlier day. Just left there or thrown out because no one wanted it anywhere else. There were no landfill rules at that time and often junk cars and other metal things were used for fill or to stop erosion along the river bank. Using old cars in the river was a sad thing to do and I delighted when cars could no longer be used for bank revetment. The dump is gone now, or rather covered up and grown over, left for some future generation to excavate.
There was a new golf course on the other side of the railroad tracks which cut a thin line through my childhood playground. Because the river and ditch headgates were also in the area, there were several railway bridges spanning the swampy areas. If you walked far enough north, the largest bridge spanned the main branch of the river itself. When I was a child, it seemed like a very far distance to the main river. I walk it now with regularity and it is not the huge distance I had once supposed it to be.

At any rate, today I have had cause to ponder. Have I have been walking the same route throughout my life because I have not yet learned the lessons I should have learned? Perhaps I am in some endless loop where I spend my life walking the same route over and over. Always seeing a little different view, and perhaps learning something different each day, but still in the same place, physically, because I just haven't "gotten it" yet. However, I am still constrained to walk the same route each day because I haven't applied what I have learned on those walks?

If you looked through my photo albums, you could find a photo of the same view as the one above but in a different month or day. I'm sure I have enough photos of the same place to make a calendar. It could probably be used as a pretty good record of the temperatures of the place.

Maybe everyone has to circle through their lives, learning something new about themselves or their world each day. I don't know if my journey through life is so boring and so routine, or whether I'm missing out on something. Oh Lord, please help me to figure this out.

My sweet child. I love you so very much. Yes, quite often I have to repeat and repeat a lesson because you just don't get it. But you are not stuck in an endless loop. Rather you have come full circle. You began your awareness of me in this place you now walk. If you will remember, those were quiet times when I was in your soul, calling you to me. You were a child then and as you grew and did go different places and take other routes you often forgot the lessons learned from your quiet time with me. You often forgot me.
But, now in your mature years, you come back to the same place. Finding me in your daily walks is sufficient for where you walk. You talk with me now as you did then, and it gladdens me. I miss you when you do not take the time to visit with me.
I do need you to apply in your daily life what we talk about on our walks. I need you to be more obedient to me when I ask you to do something. You feel a wonderful and intimate knowledge of me but sometimes you forget that I am God. Lord of your life and your Supreme Commander. You often think of my commands as "requests," which may be refused. Yes, I am your friend, your savior, your lover. But I am also your God. Know that when I command you to something, I am your God and I expect obedience from you. You get away with much as a friend. Do not take your friendship with me for granted.
But you also know my tender forgiveness of your faults and failings. You know I love you with an everlasting love. Just remember to keep me always in the forefront of your day. If you live with me--a true abiding--then you will have no problem being obedient. You allow yourself to be talked out of doing my bidding because you doubt me.
Do this and all will be well. All is well. Continue to work for me and with me and in me and I shall work for you and with you and in you. It's really very cool. You'll like it. Go in peace.

My disobedience

I have been so disobedient, Lord. Please forgive me. It is an addiction that I must overcome in order to be more loving to you and to all people. I heard you clearly urge me to come and sit and write tonight. Yet I decided to just watch one more program on the television and then I fell asleep during it.
How very sad for me, Lord. For I have hurt you deeply by my refusal to listen to you and by my insistence on wasting my time before the television.
Please, Lord. Forgive me once again and help me to overcome this addiction. It must be the same for my husband who is addicted to booze or for anyone addicted to pills. Oh Lord. Please strengthen me so that I realize how very much I disappoint you and hurt you when I disobey you like that. Let me love you more and more so that I never want to hurt you and will do anything to not hurt you.
I need you so much and I need to be able to call upon you in situations like those of today when I was hurt by my coworkers and instead of praying for them I resorted to wishing them ill. I justified their beliefs in me by my actions immediately following their rudeness.
I will need your help and guidance that I may show them you tomorrow instead of my pitiful self. Oh Lord. I am so sorry for this and all my neglects of your commands this day. Please allow me to hear you ever more clearly and to act immediately on your requests and commands instead of putting it off like a wilful and disobedient child.
I am ashamed of my actions following the ill will of my coworkers. I did exactly what they were laughting about behind my back just because I knew that is what they were laughing about. It was an "Ok, I'll show them." How very sad for me and also for them.
Lord, please show me how to handle this. Please help me to cut through the crap and expose their actions as well as my own in this matter.
You know, when I began this venture, I did so because I want to work for you. Just for you. Yet my actions and inactions of this day show me that I am a poor worker indeed and have much to learn if I want to be your employee.
Please forgive me Lord and inspire me with the correct course of action for tomorrow; the course of action you would have me take as your employee. As I sleep this night, please show me what I should do because I am working for you.

Today's rant

It has been several days since I have taken the time to write. My son's dog is lying beside me tonight and it comforts my heart to know the dog is safe. I pray that my son and his wife are safe as well.
I spent the weekend with my other son and his family and my daughter and her family. I adore spending time with the granchildren and my children. How I wish I had spent more time with my children as they were growing up. I look at my children and how they prioritize their time and realize they learned much of it from me. I try to tell them to not do as I did, but to just enjoy those sweet children as much as they can. Ah, but it seems to them as it did to me that they must do other things first. I would do it much differently if I could go back. Maybe that is one of the joys of being a grandparent. You get to treat your grandchildren as you should have treated your children.

I suffered angst today thinking of several things I let perturb me. First there is the possible marriage of a friend to someone by whom I feel threatened. I guess I feel threatened because she gets the things I have always wanted for myself from this friend. It is selfish of me, especially given the fact that I have my own life and could not share those things with my friend anyway. But I still resent it, at times anyway. I try to be generous when I realize how selfish I have been. My prayer for this friend has been first of all that he be shown true love--as God meant it to be and secondly that what happens is for the best for him. It disturbs me that what I think is best for him and what God thinks is best for him are often not the same thing.
Anyway, I have suffered today thinking that he might come back from his trip married to her. I pray that if that happens that God will allow me to finally move on to other things.

I also suffer angst when I realize my husband has been drinking again. He is an alcoholic. He was sober for many years but has fallen off the wagon and cannot or will not get sober again. I really do not like him much as a drunk and don't know what to do about it. I guess I know that nothing I do will change the situation. I have tried it all--silence, threatening, cajoling and nothing works.
He has to want to change and I guess that means I must change the things about myself that he dislikes and feels he has to drink to tolerate.

So, there is my day, Lord. Please offer to me your insights and advice that I may do your will.

My sweet one--thank you for sharing your day with me. I missed you when you did not take time to share with me. I know your children and granchildren were with you and I know you see me in them and I love that time. Yet, I love this time, too, when we are alone and can share our innermost thoughts and feelings with one another.
Once again I implore you to not fear anything--even the possible marriage of your friend. Know that I am with you in all things and if that comes about, I will grant you the graces you need to get through it. You needn't fear anything. I am with you and for you and in you--the God of the Universe. There is no situation you need to fear. I have taken the sting out of it, haven't I? Do you trust me to give you your heart's desire as I have promised? If you do, then do not fear. You may not understand or recognize your heart's desire as I do, but know that I will do the best for you, too. I love you and want only the best for you.
I need you to resume working on the things I have shared with you. You must get your office in shape and begin an exercise program. I have need of you and you must be ready.
I forgive you your faults and failings this day. Strive tomorrow to do better. You are mine and I love you with an everlasting love.

Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings. Thank you for the blessing of my husband and grant to him the graces he needs. He can be such a great person when he is not consumed by his desire for alcohol. Forgive me for anything I have done or not done to enable his drinking. Thank you for the blessing of my children and granchildren. Thank you for answering my prayers. Help me to know and do your will. I love you, sweet Jesus. I do so want to work for you. Show me how.
I do trust you. Help me to love you more and more each day.

The Lesson

Right from the beginning, I felt guilty. I felt guilty about losing the dog in the first place. I felt guilty about not doing what you had asked of me, Lord, earlier in the day. Then, I felt guilty about asking for your help for a dog.
As I was searching through the novena book, I realized just how selfish my prayers were when people throughout the world had so much more serious problems than I did. But my heart was breaking for my son, who has sacrificed so much. I didn't want him to have to sacrifice his dog, too. It was strictly a mother thing and I did ask your mother for help as well. I was reminded at one point during my agonizing of the wedding feast at Cana and how your mother had asked you to help with more wine. A similar situation, I rationalized to myself.
And it was during the recitation of the prayer at one point that I heard you very clearly in my heart:

Last night you saw me as the Good Shepherd going after the one lost sheep. I know how desperate you feel. I feel this desperate many times in searching for lost souls. Please help me find them.

So I altered my prayer with St. Jude to include the soul you were so desperate to save yesterday and I know it worked. I do not know who was saved or where or even if I know them personally. But I know you know and that is enough for me. You are as desperate to save souls as I was to rescue my son's dog and it is for the same reason--love.
You let me feel just a little tiny bit of what you feel for us. And you also showed me that no concern of my heart is too small or insignificant. I can ask your help and that of your angels and saints and even your mother if need be and for love of you and your love of me, they will help.

I am so thankful for your help Lord. Please thank all of them for me. I especially thank St. Jude for prayers answered and do hereby publish my thanks. I will also publish my thanks in the newspaper. And because I had resolved to continue the novena prayer for the nine days--even though the dog has been safely returned--I will now make the lost souls you are so desperate to save the primary focus of my prayers.

Oh, if I would be this diligent in my prayers each day how much could I help you accomplish, Lord. Please grant to me the graces I need to become a prayer force for you. Let me spend as much time praying for the concerns of your heart as I spend praying for my own concerns.

Child--you are mine. Because you are mine, I will give to you the answer to your prayers. It may seem silly to many to pray for a resolution to a problem such as a lost dog. But know that I am the God of the Universe. I do care about every creature in it. Thank you for your help with those lost to me. Thank you for believing me. You struggled with your doubts about the wisdom of praying for the safe return of a dog. But the fact that you considered prayer to be a course of action speaks to the core belief of your heart. Know that I will always answer such sweet requests. I love you. Do not be afraid. All is very well.

The Good Shepherd and a Novena

After pouring my heart out over losing the dog, I went to bed and tried to sleep. I repeatedly "gave" the situation to you, knawing at it like a dog knawing a bone. Even though my intentions were good, I couldn't really let go of it. I would drift in and out of sleep, tossing and turning each time I again "gave" the situation to you.
In one of those "on the verge of sleep moments" where I am not really awake but experience a dreamlike state, I saw you carrying a lost lamb. I was instantly reminded of the story of the good shepherd and how you would leave the 99 sheep safely tucked in and go in search of the lost one. I was comforted by that. Thank you.
I wish I could say that when I awoke that morning I felt as if I could leave the situation in your most capable hands and go about my business. My husband is an early riser. It was still dark when he got up and noticed the dog was gone. I told him I had let the dog out and then drove for over an hour scouring the streets for the missing pet but without luck. It didn't take much for him to press my "guilt" buttons and I went out again to look for the dog.
But I still couldn't find the animal and fought to hold back my tears. I stopped by to visit you in the tabernacle, once again "giving" the situation to you and begging for your assistance and finally letting the tears flow. I kept telling myself that it was ok because you were in control.
When I left you, I knew that even though you told me "all is well," I had to "help" and resolved to ask St. Jude to pray with me for the safe return of the dog.
I love asking my friends, the saints and angels, to pray with me for my current concern. I have a beautiful novena book with short biographies of the saints, beautiful pictures and prayers to offer with each saint for the successful resolution of a problem. I ask help of all of them at different times and for different problems. I have always been drawn closer to you God through the novena prayers and have experienced many miracles.
Because I was feeling frantic and thought the situation needed immediately resolved, I vowed to do what I call an emergency novena. Normally a novena is prayed over a nine day span, but an emergency novena is prayed over a nine hour span. So every hour for nine hours, I asked your help and the help of St. Jude in getting my son's dog back. The prayers took about 15 minutes each hour. I thought St. Jude was the appropriate one to ask because he is the patron saint of desperate or impossible causes. I could conceive of no way to tell my son I had lost his dog while he was away fighting in a war and I was very desperate.
It seems every time I pray a novena, I not only get a resolution to my problem, you also use it to teach me a spirtual lesson. I'll cover that in a different post and finish detailing the saga of the lost dog in this post.
I was calmer when I returned home last night after having completed the novena. All day yesterday I kept hoping that I would receive a call from someone letting me know the dog had been found, but no such call came. I was resolved to continue the novena for eight days if necessary. When I reviewed the novena book--entitled Novena, The Power of Prayer by Barbara Calamari and Sandra DiPasqua--and discovered an actual emergency novena prayer to the Infant of Prague, so I asked for help from the Infant and from the infant's Mother.
I slept better last night, but when I got up this morning I knew I had to ask for more help. So I asked you Jesus for help from not only your mother and St. Jude, but also from St. Michael and my guardian angel and other saints I have prayed with before. It was like a heavenly search party all out looking for my son's dog. So many different scenarios kept running through my mind. I was so frantic because local law enforcement had not seen the dog. I was oh-so-willing to pay the dog catcher fine and fee and kept checking with them to see if the dog had been found.
At some point today, I knew I would eventually find out what had become of the dog even if it wasn't a happy resolution. I accepted your will, Lord, in the matter and went about the business of the day.
Not too long after that the local law did contact my husband to let him know they had impounded the dog earlier today. The dog was fine--glad to be home and maybe not so anxious to run off.
It was a miracle and I thank everyone who participated in the search. Others might call it a coincidence. I know it was a miracle.

The Lost Dog

Now that I have a forum for expressing myself, I cannot seem to find the words. I am sitting here in the middle of the night because I cannot sleep. I am worried about my son's dog. My son is in Iraq and I am responsible for the dog. The dog has escaped and I cannot find him. I spent over an hour driving the streets of my community searching for the dog. Please, Lord, let the dog be safe and return to us so that when my son comes home his dog will be waiting for him.
I know I have disappointed you this day by my failure to do the things you ask of me and by my failure to do good. Even the good I do has been done poorly and for all this I ask your forgiveness. I pray that my weaknesses and failings will be forgiven and healed that I might be a better servant for you. Please, Lord, bring the dog safely home so I don't disappoint my son.
It is interesting, isn't it, that I am more worried this night about disappointing my son than I am of disappointing you? It should be just the opposite. I should be trembling with fear and awe that I have disappointed you this day by my disobedience and failures. Perhaps my insomnia is a manifestation of that fear of the Lord?? What is going on with me tonight? Please, Lord, return my son's dog safely to us so that the dog will be here waiting for him when he returns from the war.

Oh, sweet one. Know that I am with you in all things. There is no reason to fear. I love you and want only what is good for you and what is the best for you. Yes, I am disappointed in you this day. You have not done as I have asked you and it saddens me. I have so much to offer you and will do so. But you must learn to listen to the still small voice in order that you might know what my will is for you. You have much to learn in this regard and I long to teach you that you might have life to the full. So, when you don't do as I ask, you are hurting yourself, delaying the progress you might make in becoming fulfilled. I do truly want what is best for you. Do you believe this? If you do, you would make more of an effort to do the things I ask of you. My burden is not heavy and I share it with you. I love you. Try now to get some sleep. Trust me in the matter of the dog. At this point, you can do nothing about the dog. Give the matter to me--really give it to me in your heart and mind and soul and know that I will deal with it in the best manner possible. Tell me you trust me in this and all will be well.

Lord, I trust you in the matter of my son's dog. I give it to you, knowing only you can do something about it at this point. I know that you will do what is best and I thank you for that. I also thank you and praise you that you have given my son the protection he needs in this time of armed conflict. I pray that you will continue to guard and guide him and that you send angels to watch over him and his beloved wife. Thank you, Lord, for your forgiveness of my failings and weaknesses and for not holding them against me. I trust in you, Lord. I thank you and praise you for my insomnia this night as I was able to come and write whereas before I didn't think I could find the words to express myself. You are a wonderful God and I am so blessed that you have chosen me and called me by name. Thank you. I love you.