It has been several days since I have taken the time to write. My son's dog is lying beside me tonight and it comforts my heart to know the dog is safe. I pray that my son and his wife are safe as well.
I spent the weekend with my other son and his family and my daughter and her family. I adore spending time with the granchildren and my children. How I wish I had spent more time with my children as they were growing up. I look at my children and how they prioritize their time and realize they learned much of it from me. I try to tell them to not do as I did, but to just enjoy those sweet children as much as they can. Ah, but it seems to them as it did to me that they must do other things first. I would do it much differently if I could go back. Maybe that is one of the joys of being a grandparent. You get to treat your grandchildren as you should have treated your children.
I suffered angst today thinking of several things I let perturb me. First there is the possible marriage of a friend to someone by whom I feel threatened. I guess I feel threatened because she gets the things I have always wanted for myself from this friend. It is selfish of me, especially given the fact that I have my own life and could not share those things with my friend anyway. But I still resent it, at times anyway. I try to be generous when I realize how selfish I have been. My prayer for this friend has been first of all that he be shown true love--as God meant it to be and secondly that what happens is for the best for him. It disturbs me that what I think is best for him and what God thinks is best for him are often not the same thing.
Anyway, I have suffered today thinking that he might come back from his trip married to her. I pray that if that happens that God will allow me to finally move on to other things.
I also suffer angst when I realize my husband has been drinking again. He is an alcoholic. He was sober for many years but has fallen off the wagon and cannot or will not get sober again. I really do not like him much as a drunk and don't know what to do about it. I guess I know that nothing I do will change the situation. I have tried it all--silence, threatening, cajoling and nothing works.
He has to want to change and I guess that means I must change the things about myself that he dislikes and feels he has to drink to tolerate.
So, there is my day, Lord. Please offer to me your insights and advice that I may do your will.
My sweet one--thank you for sharing your day with me. I missed you when you did not take time to share with me. I know your children and granchildren were with you and I know you see me in them and I love that time. Yet, I love this time, too, when we are alone and can share our innermost thoughts and feelings with one another.
Once again I implore you to not fear anything--even the possible marriage of your friend. Know that I am with you in all things and if that comes about, I will grant you the graces you need to get through it. You needn't fear anything. I am with you and for you and in you--the God of the Universe. There is no situation you need to fear. I have taken the sting out of it, haven't I? Do you trust me to give you your heart's desire as I have promised? If you do, then do not fear. You may not understand or recognize your heart's desire as I do, but know that I will do the best for you, too. I love you and want only the best for you.
I need you to resume working on the things I have shared with you. You must get your office in shape and begin an exercise program. I have need of you and you must be ready.
I forgive you your faults and failings this day. Strive tomorrow to do better. You are mine and I love you with an everlasting love.
Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings. Thank you for the blessing of my husband and grant to him the graces he needs. He can be such a great person when he is not consumed by his desire for alcohol. Forgive me for anything I have done or not done to enable his drinking. Thank you for the blessing of my children and granchildren. Thank you for answering my prayers. Help me to know and do your will. I love you, sweet Jesus. I do so want to work for you. Show me how.
I do trust you. Help me to love you more and more each day.
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