Loss and Heartache

Dec. 2

To you, I lift up my soul, O my God. In you, I have trusted; let me not be put to shame. Nor let my enemies exult over me; and let none who hope in you be put to shame. Cf. Ps 25 (24):1-3

My darling daughter returned on Dec. 1, 2018 to the heavenly home prepared for her by the One who loves her. She was young. A mere 43 years has passed since that blessed day when she came into this world. A gift of our love.

I am still trying to grasp the meaning of this death, as all bereaved parents do, and find my questions have few answers.

It was an accident. She fell and hit her head. What caused the fall will be determined by an autopsy. 

The thing is, I think I was with her in spirit as she surrendered to death. 

The day of her death was a strange day for me. I didn't leave my house. I spent the day in prayer and began some of the projects I have been procrastinating on beginning. 

I began the Christmas Anticipation prayer of St. Andrew and also recommitted to praying the Rosary. 

During these prayers, my heart was ever thinking of my beloved daughter. We had spent the Thanksgiving holiday together and when she left, I missed her terribly. I spent the day of her death talking to her silently, in my heart.

Those passing comments now seem to have more meaning, deeper meaning.

There was something happening in my heart and soul as if the Lord was preparing me for her passing. 

I have asked the Lord many times to send her someone who will love her as she deserves to be loved. She was divorced a couple of years ago and has since struggled to find her identity, her worth as a single woman.

I wanted her to know that sweet, sweet love of Christ because she has been so heartbroken and become somewhat hardhearted since her divorce. The line from the St. Andrew prayer is "In that hour, vouchsafe, O my God! to hear my prayer and grant my desires, through the merits of Our Saviour Jesus Christ, and of His Blessed Mother. Amen."

My prayer and my desire was for her to know "true love."

As I was praying, I somehow felt the surrender of her heart, leaving us behind as she entered into the Presence of True Love, although I thought at the time it meant she would meet someone. Little did I know that the "someone" was "The Someone."

I think her MS had caused far more damage to her strong little body than she let anyone know. I saw little signs that she wasn't functioning as she should. 

As so often happens, the answer to my prayer and deepest desire was an answer that I wasn't expecting.
Yet, how can I regret her leaving us to be with her True Love?
Thank you, Lord.